You Can't Hide Forever
by FictitiousRamblings
Summary: Ste returns to the village following a tragedy. Story mostly revolves around how the tragedy has changed him but also how it hasn't.
1. Chapter 1

Author Note: My first Fan Fiction ever... if anyone has any tips please feel free to share. This is from Ste's POV. M for later chapters

Chapter 1

"The thing is though... you can't hide forever"

I hadn't spoken to Amy in years, and I had spent the better half of my Sunday listening to the voice mail she had left me four hours earlier. She wanted to see me, she was getting married and she wanted me to come. The one thing that played over and over in my head was what she said at the end of the message "you can't hide forever". Was I hiding? People move away, and lose touch with old friends, it happens all the time...yet despite my rationalizations, I knew she was right. Just thinking about going back there, even considering it made me feel nauseous. I couldn't wrap my head around how Amy could stand to be there either.

How could she want to see me? Just hearing her voice sent me into days of chain smoking and nicking too much of my roommates vodka. Amy was always stronger than me, the whole of the time I knew her she carried me through every crisis I ever had. I never understood her then either. I was awful to her when we were kids, but she still kept me close to her, forgave me.

She called three more times, three more calls I ignored. Each message she left sounded more hopeless. I couldn't wrap my head around why my presence at her wedding was so important. She said she "needed me" that things were changing so quickly and she was excited but she needed her best friend. She "needed" me...a pang of guilt sat in my stomach and refused to leave me for days...she needed me...I could still hear so clearly that exact sentiment except more desperate and wrenching... "I need you, Ste...please" I could still see her beautiful pained face, it still haunted me from time to time but lately its been non-stop. I still left her, I ignored her then...I'm ignoring her now, or I guess really I never stopped.

Two weeks later, a gut feeling is what got me to that bus station. The guilt I was feeling had transitioned into something...more. All my usual tactics of escapism were failing me since Amy's calls. It was with some random guy, in some random club in a bathroom stall getting head while trying to snort a bit of coke this guy had provided off the side of a toilet tissue holder that started me realizing how pathetic it all was. I had spent the last couple years imitating fun. I was thrusting my cock hard into this guy face and wanting to cum faster and shove this shit up my nose because the quicker the high sets in coupled with that slightly euphoric feeling after cumming, the quicker I could maybe forget for an hour or two. Sometimes it works but then I always come down, and the wear of how hard I had to work to get rid of the thoughts in my head was starting to take its toll. Holding down working while balancing my "social life" was getting near impossible.

After a few days of partying a bit too hard my roommate Jack presumably tired of my near constant hung over state abruptly shouted at me one day "Deal with your shit, man". Now I know that it wasn't exactly poetry but lying there on the bathroom floor his words started to affect me. What I was doing wasn't working. Amy had lost exactly what I had lost, 3 years ago we stood outside that burnt out old shithole we called home and both of us were hollowed out husks, broken souls wandering around, then one day she started to get better, and I never did. I felt like subject B in some weird experiment. Amy and I both had been ripped to pieces and Subject A stayed in her hometown and knowing Amy was the perfect grieving angel while subject B moved to some seedy town, fucked the ass off every willing man to cross his path while scarfing down any drink or pill offered to him. Subject A is now well adjusted and getting married while Subject B is still scattered in pieces, wandering aimlessly. I didn't know how to begin to "deal with my shit" but the feeling in the pit of my stomach told me it was back where I ran from.

* * *

><p>I didn't call Amy to tell her I was coming or that I was coming weeks earlier than she had planned. I would start to then fear would grip me and I'd consider not going through with coming at all. Getting off the bus wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had pep talked myself into some self healing resolve to get off the bus and I was starting to feel brave. I caught a cab into the center of town and it looked exactly the same. I was struggling to think of any place to visit that had a happy memory attached. I ended up in the park just sat on a bench and thats when I called Amy. To say she was surprised was an understatement. First the shock that I called and then the news that I was in town, she came to meet me immediately. Maybe five minutes after hanging up I hear a timid "Ste?" from behind me. At first I thought she had to have run to get to me that quickly...then I remembered the town is about the size of a postage stamp so it wasn't much of a feat. I stood and turned to face her as tears welled up in her eyes<p>

"Aww, Ames don't cry.." I said as she wrapped her arms around me.

"You'll stay with us!" she exclaimed after she released me.

"Now, who exactly is us?" I asked wearily, Amy never had the best taste in men. I found myself suddenly concerned for her. I hadn't been an active part of her in years but seeing her face had reawakened my best friend feelings of obligation.

"Oh...you remember Lee don't you? He was there for me after..." she trailed off.

That night we all three had dinner at Amy and Lees house. Every topic felt like a minefield. I was going to ask about Lee's job but I had a strong feeling he had left his dream job in New York to come home to see to Amy. The why of it was is what no one wanted to talk about. This huge thing had colored all our lives, really it had affected every facet of our lives and the people we were now, it was impossible to talk about anything without it being in the background. Lee strained to be the jester and we all pretended the situation wasn't awkward.

"Where did you go?" Amy finally asked. Her face was serious, but I avoided the question. There was no good reason not to answer I just didn't want to. I didn't want to talk about what I was doing now. Not that it mattered where I went. I could have went anywhere the location wasn't the point.

"Ste, have you been alright?" The answer was obviously No, but I said yes. What I really wanted to do was crawl inside her mind see if underneath all this happy families business she felt like I felt. I watched her smile sweetly at Lee as he cleared the dinner dishes, and it was such a normal thing. She was just a normal young woman marrying a nice normal young man. I couldn't wrap my head around it. After a few drinks I got this floating feeling, this thought that maybe nothing bad had ever happened. Maybe all that was the nightmare and this is reality. I'm just visiting with my best friend and her soon-to-be husband and everything is and always has been fine.

I was lost in thought as the two of them chattered on about the wedding until something Lee said caught my attention. "when the baby comes..." Suddenly I was snapped back into reality. I looked at Amy and she knew.

"Ste, I was going to tell you."

"Its fine, its a normal thing, its fine..." I tried to reassure her as much as myself. But it didn't feel fine. Amy was going to have a baby...with Lee. Everyone was quiet. The two of them were watching me like I might explode. I wondered how they knew I was unsettled. We hadn't talked in years, how could they possibly know I didn't have my life together...but some how they both knew the truth that I was weak and rubbed raw and that this wasn't fine.

"I...I...don't want you to think this was something I did to replace them Ste...I don't want you to think that...I've been trying to think of a way to honor them...maybe the new baby's middle name could be something that honors them both...I just haven't figured all the details out" Amy spoke slow and cautiously the way she used to when we were kids when I used to fly off the handle too easily.

"Well if its a girl you could name her Leah 2 and if its a boy..."

"Ste, No...you know thats not what I was saying." She was pissed at the assertion but I didn't care.

"No really Ames, I think its great...really great.." I said sarcastically.

"God, you always do this..."

"Do what?"

"This! Everyone has to feel how you're feeling...I won't be unhappy that this baby is coming, I won't feel guilty about that." tears welled up in her eyes but it only made me angrier for some reason. I had to leave the house. I had to get some air. I left her crying with Lee now wrapped around her. I walked out the door without saying a word thinking that was certainly record time, I had been in town only a few hours and had already shit on Amy's reunion expectations.

The anger I had was prickling at every nerve and I felt like if I walked far enough or fast enough I could get it to stop but it doesn't stop. I ended up in front of Chez Chez and it's hopping. I weave through tons of faces, none of them familiar until I spot Cheryl at the bar, I turned my head away so she wouldn't notice me. I scan the room because I need to find him like I needed to find him 3 yrs ago.

Being in town only a few hours had already sent my mind ablaze. This haunting ghost of the past was looming over me, covering every bit of that club in this sickly fog. I was a mad man crashing through that club wanting answers like I did years ago. I just needed him to finally tell me. I felt like maybe I could finally rest if he would just tell me what I needed. Maybe tonight maybe after all this time...finally. I had been looking for blood then, but now I just needed the truth.

Finally, I saw him. I dead stoppped and stared. He was standing there looking exactly the same. The same posh suits, the same ridiculously pointy boots, the 'tache. He was overlooking the bar from the upper deck.

"_I didn't have anything to do with it Steven._" he had first said to me in a quiet, reverent tone the night it happened, tears unabashedly falling from his eyes. I took them to be tears of guilt then.

"_I didn't have anything to do with it Steven!_" grew louder months later the night I left, he had roared it at me as I stormed down the stairs out of the club. He was angry and desperate that night, but then so was I.

This night after spying him my anger suddenly turned into something more like nervousness as I stood there watching him. And then he turned his head my way. His stern business stare suddenly shifted and he stood upright with his mouth open, his eyes softening into this wide eyed shocked look that struck me as almost vulnerable. He had spotted me. All my resolve had left me. I didn't want answers anymore, I didn't want to "heal" all I wanted was to forget again. I turned to leave, I quickly maneuvered my way out of the club and I took a deep breath of cold air and darted down an alley away from the club hoping he'd think he was mistaken. Maybe he didn't really see me. Then I heard those footsteps behind me, I quickened my pace but then so did he...

"Steven..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Steven...please...just..." I could hear him huffing behind me but I kept quickening my pace until I found that I was running. I didn't quite know where to run to. I couldn't go back to Amy's yet so I just kept aimlessly running. I started to feel absurd running as if my life depended on it, but for some reason it felt important to get away from him, from everything. I ran until I couldn't hear him behind me anymore. I was exhausted. I hadn't treated my body so well lately, and I was starting to feel the affects. I crouched down and leaned against a wall of some shop that I couldn't recall being in existence before I had left town. I closed my eyes and just breathed deeply. I needed to just think. This trip had obviously been a mistake, but I had no idea what to do next and I wanted badly to have some grand epiphany right then that would put my head back together.

"Steven" he had caught up with me. I kept my eyes closed...I could hear him stepping closer and crouching down opposite me. He loomed there quietly, I could feel his breathe. He smelled slightly of whiskey and also of his scent...I didn't know what it was a combination of but it was him and I hadn't realized how recognizable it was to me until now.

I had my head in my hands. I couldn't bring myself to look at him so I kept my face firmly planted in my hands.

"Steven...are ye alright...Steven?" he tentatively asked, I let his questions hang in the air. I wasn't trying to be difficult I just didn't have the words right then.

"Where have ye been..." He was practically whispering to me like he was coaxing a spooked animal. "Steven...hey Steven...for fucks sake..."

I took my hands away from my face and looked up and was immediately met with his big cow eyes staring back at me.

"Why does everyone ask me where I've been? What the fuck does it matter?" I finally asked him not out of anger, just of general curiosity. He looked relieved to hear my voice and he exhaled deeply, it made me wonder if he had been holding his breath waiting for me to respond.

"I don't know..." he breathed, then there was more silence as he continued to stare at me, searching my face for what I don't know. After what felt like hours of awkward silence I stood up and then so did he. I tried to walk away but he stepped in front of me with his hands up motioning for me to stop.

"Wait...just wait a minute." his voice seemed like it was permanently in this low wounded tone I had heard before but admittedly not very often. I could have seen it as him trying to be sympathetic but I didn't care that he was trying. I'd had enough sympathetic looks to last me a lifetime if I never had to look into damp sorry eyes ever again I'd be thankful. I was starting to get that feeling again like I was floating above this scene. I just wanted to get away from him, dealing with him right now didn't feel like what I should be doing. I was lost in my thoughts until I felt his hand on my cheek rubbing his thumb across my cheekbone. It seemed surreal and though it was something he had done a million times before a lifetime ago the touch of his hand still shocked me. I let his hand linger a few moments before my senses revived and I abruptly shoved his hand away.

"Fuck you, Brendan" I snarled, the tired fog had burned off shifting into an incredible burst of anger. He looked down at the ground away from me like a chastised school kid. I pushed past him nearly knocking him over. I charged down an alley making my way back to Chez Chez because I very badly needed a drink and I didn't care who knew me there then. He continued to follow me but I didn't give shit anymore.

When I got to the bar I ordered a shot of vodka. Brendan of course was still tailing my every move he told the barkeep that my drink was on the house. I held up the shot and cocked it his way as if to toast him, I looked him dead in the eye for half a second before partly mocking him with "Slainte". I knocked back the shot and told the bartender to get me another grinning to myself. Brendan's sad eyes had given way to more a suspicious leer.

"Is this one on you too, _mate_?" I asked with a tinge of anger lingering on the word "mate"

"As many as you'd like, Steven."

I knocked back two more shots...

"We should talk Steven...in the office"

"Yeah..." I turned to face him and leaned in towards him until my nose was nearly touching his "well, I don't feel much like talking" I turned away from him quickly and scanned the crowd I spot this guy and made eye contact with him and I could tell he was interested. He wasn't the best looking guy but he would do.

I started dancing with the guy and straight away he laid both his hands on my ass and we were dancing so close I could feel his cock pressing against me through his pants. I grabbed his face and he leaned down and I kissed him. It was this deep open mouthed kiss. I slipped my hands under his shirt smoothing my hands over his chest. When we finally broke from sucking face he whispered in my ear "Damn, you're hot".

I pulled him off the dance floor and I ushered him into a bathroom stall and asked him if he had something for me. He fumbled around and pulled a condom out of his wallet, and I smiled and asked if there was any thing else. He looked like a party boy and I was looking for something a little harder than alcohol to get my mind off of the fuckery that was this stupid "self healing" pilgrimage. He suddenly got my drift and said he had an e...but only one. I told him to give it to me but he opted to "split" it and I figured something was better than nothing. He'd undone my trousers and pulled them down just below my ass along with my pants. He kissed me right below my navel and I put my hand on the top of his head. I closed my eyes as he took the head of my cock in his mouth.

A loud startling bang ripped through the moment and I opened my eyes to see Brendans face wild eyed and angry. It felt more familiar to me then the sad eyed man who had followed me into the alley hours earlier. He grabbed at the guy and told him to go away. The guy was completely confused but also pissed off. He gave Brendan a shove and told him it was none of his business.

"I'm the owner of this club" Brendan stated quietly but menacingly as if the problem was business policy related. He looked my way and directed me in only a slightly less troubling tone to "get dressed".

The guy looked at me and asked me to go to his place with him then he looked in Brendan's direction wearily and held out his hand to me. It wasn't that the guy was a ton smaller than Brendan, it might have been a fair fight as far as body weight and physique was concerned but Brendan had a psychotic rage in his eyes and when he charged towards the guy he backed up against the wall. It was a position I'd been in plenty of times, shoved up against a wall with Brendan and his crazy eyes.

"Fuck off...now" Brendan shouted with this amazing amount of fury in his voice. He slammed his fist into the space of wall directly next the this guys head. The guy huffed and puffed but his heart wasn't in it enough to fight so he scurried off leaving me and Brendan alone.

I got myself together and went for the door but Brendan slammed it shut. I turned to face him, and he got really close to me, barely any space between our faces. I could tell he was angry but it was different than before there was a confusion and a trepidation. I wondered if he pitied me.

"What?" I asked him simply.

He didn't say anything. He backed away from me and started pacing the floor, rubbing his temples.

"How is it easier to blame me than accept it was a random accident, Steven?" He asked impatiently

"It isn't...easier... It's just what I believe. I can't just stop because it'd be easier"

"Right...Its never been easy for you to believe in me, yeah?" He replied, his voice spiked with a bit of anger.

"You've never given me a reason to."

* * *

><p>When I got back to Amy's it was 4am. The door was unlocked, I suppose that was for my benefit as I didn't have a key. Amy was asleep on the couch and I knew she had waited up for me. I felt like I often had when it came to Amy, like I was again letting her down. She was the first family I ever had, she was the first person to really give a shit about me but I constantly disappointed her or hurt her. I knelt down beside her and kissed her forehead and whispered "I'm sorry" and then I repeated it two more times. Amy stirred and sleepily reached her hand up to meet my face "its ok" she said softly. I wanted to tell her it wasn't ok, because nothing really was. I wanted to tell her about what had happened with Brendan that night, but I knew that was a bad subject for us both. I kissed her forehead again and then gingerly maneuvered my way onto the couch and I laid down behind her, us both on our sides and I put my arms around her. I rested my head between her shoulder blades and it felt like we were kids again, the way I was careful not to rustle her too much because of the baby. For half a second we lived back in that shitty little place again, and the baby she was expecting was mine. Thats the weird thing about time how the further you get away from things the easier it is to twist your memories into anything you need them to be.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note**: Thank you to the people who've left comments. I love comments. I promise the moodiness will ease up a little in upcoming chapters. I probably don't need to say but _Italics = the past_.

Chapter 3

"Hey...uh...Ste are you up...Ste?" Lee's concerned voice was calling to me through the guest room door. I rolled out of bed and opened the door to greet him.

"Mornin' Lee" I groaned, feeling still quite sleepy.

"The door was locked …. and its after noon...I just..." Lee fumbled, shifting his weight awkwardly

"...Oh, right, I had just locked the door because I... was furiously masturbating...so..."

"Wha..."

"Joking...Lee, you don't have to check on me I'm alright."I tried to reassure him but it sounded hollow even to me.

I wondered if he used to check on Amy in the same way, if he hovered in the doorway if she took a minute too long in the shower. I had been in town a week and I had accomplished very little in the way of my "bettering myself" mission. Amy would leave me little to do lists to keep me occupied during the day while she was at work because she too thought if left on my own too long I would self destruct. I guess my attitude wasn't dissipating their fears. I didn't mind the lists, I quite liked making them dinner, doing the shopping and the like. Made it seem like I was a bit of help when I felt certain in reality my extended stay was more of a burden than a help.

Oddly I felt like it might be an ok day. The days that had followed my first night in town had been peaceful for the most part. Lee had a knack for keeping things light and mostly we all pretended everything was ok. I had spent the week either hiding at Amy's or going a town over to club a bit at night. I hadn't felt ready to face random former acquaintances asking how I was doing with that face people always make when they feel sorry for you. But today I felt ok enough to cut through the center of town, it was early afternoon and I figured no one would see me, but it felt like a first step to something close to normal human behavior instead of neurotic anti-social weirdo which had been my usual attitude of late.

Out of nowhere I started to feel slightly paranoid and wanted to get to the shops to complete my chore of the day and get back to Amy's as quickly as I could. It was baffling how fluid my emotions seemed to be, relaxed drifted effortlessly into paranoid and uncomfortable without much provocation. As I was scampering along I heard loud familiar laughter. I knew it was Brendan before I even turned to look, because besides recognizing his laugh, I knew I would have to see him again because I have the shittiest luck on the planet. Luckily, he hadn't seen me yet. He was talking to another man. I couldn't see the mans face but he still looked familiar to me. It slowly dawned on me who it was. I watched them both chat like they were the best of friends. I could feel my stomach turn. Memories of the last night I saw Warren Fox starting clouding my mind making me ill remembering his face that night, remembering any part of that night. I wanted to kill him, or run away but I did neither. Instead I watched them as that night poured over me in waves.

"_Where is he?" I asked in a sickly calm voice I could hardly recognize._

"_What are you talking about...who?" Brendan asked, his head cocked to one side._

"_You know who" I yelled. _

_"No , I really don't...Steven" He yelled back. He was irritatingly smug as per usual. He stood up from behind his desk and walked to where I stood._

_I would make him cry that night, I would take that irritated drag out of voice but he wasn't my target that night, he wasn't who I was there to see. _

"_This has nothing to do with you Brendan, I need to see Warren now" my hands were shaking, but I couldn't let myself feel all of what had happened that night, I needed to focus on the anger._

"_What's happened...what do you want him for?" He kept coming towards me closer and closer. I was on edge. I didn't know how long I could stand there, how long I could keep this up and I could feel him starting to corner me the way he always did. I didn't have a choice but to show my hand earlier than I had intended. I reached into my jacket pocket and I pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. He instantly backed up startled, falling back into the desk behind him._

"_What the fuck, Steven...what the fuck?" His voice was shaking and then he was at a loss for words. For the first time maybe ever he was at a loss for words. He was scared. I don't think before that moment I had seen what fear looked like on him. _

"_Get him in here, now" I demanded_

"_No. you tell me what the fuck you're doing...Jesus...just...come on...wha...what are ye gonna kill Foxy?"_

"_Yes"_

"_Tell me what happened, I'll deal with him...just put the gun away and tell me."_

"_You wanna deal with him NOW!" I shouted, he flinched with my every syllable."You let this happen... everything's a fucking game to you isn't it, Brendan? Yeah? You have to get what you want and fuck everyone else...right?"_

"_Oi, can you keep your lovers tiff down" and in a stroke of beautiful coincidence in strolled Warren Fox, with that smirk he got when he thought he'd said something clever. He turned to face me and suddenly the smirk fades as he's greeted with my gun now pointed at him._

"_Tell me how you could do it?" I asked him because I needed to know, I needed to hear him try to explain the unexplainable._

"_What are you talkin' about, mate?" he asked, his face gone white and his eyebrows knitted in what I figured to be mock confusion._

"_The games over, just tell me how it happened. Did you watch? Did you listen to them...did you hear them? You fucking talk to me now Warren?" I was screaming loud and furious with both "hard men" looking scared shitless and clueless._

"_I don't know what your talking about?" I jam the gun right against his head as backs up into an office cabinet._

"_Don't fucking Lie to me! Not now. You threatened me and everyone I care about and not even a day later there just happens to be a fucking fire..."_

" _Shit, Steven...is everyone...alright?" Brendan chimed in, his voice concerned and shaky. I ignored him, I wasn't dealing with him now._

"_... so did it help you out Warren? Did their blood get you what you wanted?" I was hysterical then. I could hear Brendan muttering or cursing suddenly I feel Warren jerk away from the gun and Brendan is on him his face red with anger, shouting at him but I can't hear them because my head is battered. I can't imagine what to do after I leave that office. I kill him then I go home...there is no home...to the hospital...for what? They were gone, everything was gone. I cocked the gun, the click, the simple small sound of it made them both shut up. _

"_Steven, let me handle this..." Brendan pleaded. He grabbed my face with both his hands and pushed me back as he did Warren ran out of the office and without hesitation I pointed the gun at the back of him as he ran and pulled the trigger. I realized I'd only hit his leg, he was lying on the floor and I knew I needed to get closer to him. I was too shaky and inexperienced and I needed to be on top of him to get a good shot. I started to go after him but Brendan pulled me back into the office. He was talking madly, stuttering, shouting, grabbing at me. I got tired of the noise and pointed the gun at him again and told him he wasn't in charge now and to sit down and he obliged. I looked back towards where Warren had been lying but some how he was gone. My first thought was to go after him, but where would he go how many more places could I barge into with a gun before I lost my will. My train of thought was interrupted by Brendan's chatter._

"_I didn't have anything to do with it, Steven...he never said your kids were at risk...I would die before I let anything happen to them...you know that..."he was almost whispering._

"_Do I? I know whatever fucking thing you two were squabbling over this time meant enough for you both to threaten each others families...and I just want to know if it was worth it. I just want to know how much money was involved here...how much did their lives cost, Brendan?" my voice started to crack. _

_I thought of their little bodies, the shrill scream Amy let out that had pierced my skull and I didn't need the answers anymore, anger, revenge none of it killed the pain. I was half in shock, I half believed none of it was real and then the sobering reality of what I'd seen would crash around in my brain killing all the denial I could muster. He was still talking wildly, desperately I wasn't listening to the words anymore because they didn't matter and neither did he. For the first time since I'd met him he didn't matter, he didn't affect me anymore. I lowered the gun so that it was no longer trained on him. He sighed like it was over, like I'd come to my senses. _

_Then I put the gun to my temple and closed my eyes._

"_No...please..."_

_I pulled the trigger...but nothing happened. I pulled it again ...then again in quick secession...and nothing. He lunged at me knocking the gun loose from my grip as he pushed me down onto the couch pinning my arms down above my head. He was breathing heavy and he rested his forehead against mine. I struggled against him, but he didn't move. Water was dripping onto my face and into my eyes and it was disorienting. My mind was filled with a static white noise. I felt empty and stupid. I wanted to go anywhere but there but I still had no idea where to go. I stopped fighting him mostly out of exhaustion and let him stay above me. His body was jerking awkwardly and I didn't understand what was happening until my mind cleared slightly, long enough to recognize he was crying._

I was zombified staring at the two of them. How could Brendan be so friendly with him? I was surprised at the fact that it hurt me to see him speaking with Warren as if it was business as usual. I wondered how long it took for them to get back into their regular routine. I had been mauled and scarred but they were fine. People like them were always fine in the end. I walked towards them, I couldn't help but keep my eyes trained on Brendan. His hands were dancing wildly as he talked to Warren. Then they saw me. Brendan went quiet, his hands dropped to his sides, Warren's eyes widened.

"If it isn't rat boy, you packing heat today little man?" Warren taunted

"I wish" I snarled back.

Warren angrily started towards me. I could barely respond before Brendan was between us facing me. He waved Warren off like a pest never taking his eyes off me and inconceivably Warren just left with a heavy sigh, but no argument.

"We need to talk" Brendan grabbed my arm pulling me behind him.

"There's nothing left to say" I said as I tried to jerk out of his grasp. He let go of my arm and twisted his face into a combination of vulnerable and slightly angry.

"Look, my aim isn't to hurt you Steven. I'm not saying we need to talk so I can share my feelings... but before you disappear again...you should know some things..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Note**: Thanks for comments! I do really want to hear what people think, as to gauge how I'm doing. I won't be offended if you tell me it sucks.

Chapter 4

Well?" I was impatiently pacing back and forth in what I assumed was Brendan's apartment. It looked like him, modern and stylized but with a kind of rough quality. I briefly wondered why he moved out of Cheryl's but then I didn't care enough to ask. He sat on a sofa opposite me brooding. I recalled years ago thinking thats what he spent most of his free time doing, just sitting around brooding.

"What were you talking to Warren about? You guys besties now?" I said finally breaking the silence.

"He didn't set the fire, Steven. It was just an electrical thing or something...there's just nothing to prove otherwise..." He responded blatantly ignoring my questions.

"Theres no proof 'cause he's good at covering his tracks, Brendan. He threatened me that day...then..."

"...Why wouldn't he rub it in my face than Steven? Why would he keep it a secret if he was trying to get something off me? If he was doing this because of me...he'd be a moron not to mention..."

"...He did it Brendan, he killed them"

"I'm sorry..." He stood up and started towards me.

"I don't believe you...you're playing an angle."

"And...what would I gain from that, Steven?"

"I don't know..." I trailed off turning my back to him.

"If he had done what you said...he wouldn't be alive now...you know that...he..."

"...just fuck off, you're a fucking guilty liar so just fuck off.

"I didn't..."

"...FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU..." I yelled after him until he stopped trying to speak and sat back down on the couch. He was calm, looking down and away from me until I stopped raging at him. The calm is what confused me, I expected him to roar back at me bearing his teeth...but he didn't. I should have left but I just stood there waiting again for him to say something else. We stayed in awkward silence for minutes. I started to wander looking over his belongings not knowing whether to talk or leave or wait. Something in me didn't want to leave. He continued to sit silently watching me pick up random items inspect them and put them back. Despite my outburst my anger was dulling. I found myself wanting to talk to him but it was a difficult task, as much as we had went through with each other, I started to realize we had never talked much.

"This one night I met this guy and we fucked and I was high as a kite and I started fucking crying like crazy out of nowhere and he was one of those guys where if it doesn't involve him or a party than he didn't care but he half assed asked me what was wrong and I tell him...I actually say the words that my kids were killed a few months back. I said it out loud for the first time ever I think...and he says to me ' you're too young to have kids'" I shared, for some reason the weird mood circling us had compelled me to speak in an disorganized stream of consciousness.

"and...so?"

"So... I wasn't...too young I mean"

"Obviously..."

"but I started to think he thought it was a good thing, like I was young and free now and that the kids were an anchor"

"So what'd you do to him?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you thought he was saying it's good they were gone...thats an asshole thing to say" Brendan was implying I had gotten violent with this guy. Despite myself I liked that he thought I had done damage to this man, that I was someone to fear.

"But I had always thought of them as an anchor, when all the shit was storming around us they were the reason I didn't lose it, they kept me steady...thats like an anchor right? Keeps you from drifting away to somewhere you don't want to be?"

"I wouldn't lie to you about this, Steven. He didn't do it, it's just a fucked up coincidence."

"He said 'you better pray your boyfriend comes through' he said he'd pick off whoever he had to, everyone you loved, he'd take out anyone I loved, anyone and anything that would get you to cave."

"Yeah, but why start with your kids? Foxy doesn't work that way. I'm not saying he's Snow White, and I'm not saying he would never cross the line, but as a first move...that's not him, Steven. And he wouldn't do it just to do it...you'd know, I'd know so he could get what he wanted."

"Did you know he threatened us?"

"I knew he had words with you, I didn't know the specifics...I knew he wanted you to convince me...I knew he had to have threatened you to compel you to get involved, but I didn't know all the specifics, but I knew his angle"

"...I should have told Amy, but I didn't want to worry her..."

"Would it have changed anything?"

"She wouldn't have left them with a sitter that night...she would have been with them and more vigilant. Some 15 yr old girl didn't know what was headed for them or to look out for it. Or I should have taken off work...but I thought..."

"You thought it was all talk..."

"yeah..."

"It was no ones fault, Steven"

"It is though..."

"'I can't believe in something because it's easier'...isn't that what you said to me?

"What's your point?"

"It's easier for you to blame him, then accept what really happened."

"Nothing about this is easier, it doesn't matter how the fuck it happened, nothing could make it easier"

"You know what I mean"

"If he had just killed me..."

"That'd have been ok?"

"I guess he did though...didn't he, pretty much"

"Steven..." he shook his head, sadness behind his eyes. I could tell he didn't want to talk about that night anymore.

"What? You do know don't you? You have to know by now I'm not who I was anymore...that who I was is gone...he's dead and buried with those kids...That night I did kill myself just not the way I had planned..."

He looked pained. He walked towards me, and placed his hand on my chest. I thought he might say something profound, but he didn't. I let his hand linger on my chest. I didn't know if it was meant to a be a comfort or not but it confused me. He removed his hand when we heard a key turning in the lock of his front door.

"Honey, I'm home!" a cheery voice with an Irish lilt sang. Lynsey walked in and kissed Brendan on the cheek and then registering who I was said "Oh god, Ste...how are you?" She looked like she was considering hugging me but thankfully decided against it. In an effort to be polite I half heartedly asked her how she was as I inched towards the door hoping to make a break for it. Conversation had gotten a little too deep between Brendan and I and it was doing my head in. Lynsey prattled on about this and that then she said "Well, you know its not easy being this ones wife", that got my attention, she laughed as she said it and pointed at Brendan.

"I can explain" Brendan said quicker than even I think he expected.

"What do I care? It was bound to happen, you marrying a woman again I mean...you're kind of a weirdo about that stuff" by "stuff" I was referring to his sexuality, but I didn't get into it further.

"Thanks for that Steven" he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

To be honest though it had surprised me that he was married to Lynsey until I thought about how desperately he had always wanted to be straight. It really didn't concern me though, I remembered when it would have. I could imagine me buzzing around him telling him what a mistake marrying a woman was, how harmful "denying" himself was but things were different now and I hurriedly left the happy couples flat before hearing any explanations. I didn't have the patience or interest or headspace to hear his stories or problems. I knew the one thing I didn't need was to get sucked into Brendan's constant drama.

I was making my way back to Amy's realizing it was a lot later than I had thought when I heard Lynsey's voice calling to me.

"Ste, wait please."

"Lynsey, I'm really not bothered"

"You should let him explain, Ste."

"I appreciate the concern, I really do but it doesn't matter"

"I'm not concerned for you. Brendan's my friend and like it or not you still mean a lot to him. I thought you knew about us. I wouldn't have announced it like that otherwise"

"He's a big boy Lynsey, I think he'll be fine"

"Yeah but..."

I didn't let her finish

"Jesus, Lynsey...what do you want from me? _He's_ having tough time? What..do you want me to do... fix him, I can't even fix myself."

"I just thought, maybe you could help each other" she responded timidly. I felt bad for blowing up at her but where did she get off telling me I ought to help "poor fragile Brendan" I was tired of thinking about Brendan's fragile state. The whole of our relationship revolved around him and his damage.

"I'm only in town a few more weeks and then after the wedding I'm leaving here and never looking back" I spat before walking off, luckily she didn't follow.

The thing about Brendan was that there was always something sympathetic about him. I understood why Lynsey wanted to nurse him. I understood the draw of him. Brendan was always such an odd creature, twitchy, quirky but frequently cruel. No amount of charisma and sexual charge could cover up all the mind fucking and violence that had happened between us. Maybe he had had a few points as to what may have happened to cause the fire, but even if he was right even if Warren and Brendan's feud had nothing to do with the fire, it still didn't mean we could be friends. Too much had gone on.

I guess I should've understood him back when we're "together" considering all my experience on both sides with violence specifically of the domestic variety, but I still didn't really understand it. I barely understood why I acted the way I did with Amy, I could mostly boil it down to a feeling that starts bubbling in your stomach and just this yearning, almost just a general yearning... this deep want and then this blinding anger and eruption.

The general consensus was all my childhood stuff is what made me hurt Amy. It seemed to me when you're surrounded by that much ugliness as a kid, some of it just seeps into your veins, and it becomes a part of you. Its like it stops just being something that happened to you and becomes something ingrained in your personality, stuck in the background of your mind. You might not be actively thinking of specifically what happened or how it hurt, how you felt weak and stupid...but its always sitting there in your brain twisting the way you see things. Amy was the first person to love me, and my brain twisted something that pure into something I had to ruin, not that that was actively my intent. Mostly I wasn't thinking, just blind rage. Love makes you vulnerable, and thats a hard place to be in when you've spent most of your childhood being weak and victimized. I wish our brains and hearts worked differently than they do, that I could've observed what Terry did to my mum, to me and made an active decision to not be like that, to have learned to do the opposite but things didn't work out that way. I wondered if it was the same way for Brendan, if we were the same...but we never talked about stuff like that. Maybe I empathized with him and thats why I stayed with him off and on for as long as I did. I used to call him my off and on again boyfriend but thats not really accurate considering I can't really say we were ever officially "on" or that we ever fell under the boyfriend label. I could never really relate to him though, you would think I'd be able to, but he always baffled me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note**: Thanks for any comments, they mean a lot to me.

Chapter 5

Amy and I had decided a cheap night out at the Dog was in order, some pub food and a pint for me and soda for her. Lee had left two days earlier on a business trip. He hadn't wanted to leave Amy. I wasn't sure if he would have been as concerned if she were on her own. I got the feeling Lee thought I was trouble for Amy like my presence would dredge up old memories for her and drag her back to a darker place. Amy and I laughed over our drinks at the strained high pitched voice he used to say goodbye to us asking if we'd be alright about a million times before Amy kissed him and told him to go. We were feeling rather giddy which may have been partially due to the fact that we were no longer under the watchful eye of Lee who had become an odd parental presence.

"Oh...Lee's great though, right?" Amy asked looking a little guilty after having teasingly mocked Lee.

"Yeah...no...he's great Ames. He really is I just can't..."

"You can't what..."

"I can't picture him in bed with anyone..."

"Oi! You're not meant to picture him in bed..."

"You know what I mean...no girl daydreams about Lee Hunter...I just mean he's nice but you know a bit like a chipmunk..."

" awww...he's cute...and you'd be surprised the things he can do..." Amy raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"Ew... Ames I don't even wanna know...I just hope your guys kid looks like you" I laughed but mentioning the baby darkened the mood slightly. It shouldn't have, it was a happy occasion but even Amy seemed to prefer avoiding the topic. Mostly we never spoke of her pregnancy but I had been trying to lightly talk about it, to make it known I was happy for her since I was still feeling quite guilty over having laid a guilt trip on her my first night in town.

"Seriously though Ste, he saved me. Thats not an exaggeration he brought me back to the land of the living, and I can never repay him for that and I will never not love him because of it. I just really wish you had a Lee Hunter in your life"

It was a nice sentiment but part of me cringed at the thought of going through all the relationship stuff again. And the last thing I wanted was someone watching me and babying me all the time. I was grateful to Lee for helping Amy, and I had no doubt they had a deep love for each other but I also knew he didn't save her. Amy has never given herself enough credit, she had saved herself I was convinced of that. I didn't know how to respond to Amy. I had shifted the focus of my trip to convincing Amy I was ok and I thought telling her my depressing views on all relationships being doomed would not help my cause. I gulped down the last of my pint and excused myself to go get another.

As I strolled up to the bar my eyes settled on the back of a tall blond bloke standing at the bar. I focused entirely on his near perfect ass. I strode up beside him ordered my beer and gave him a casual "hey" and a nod. He didn't return my greeting, I figured he either didn't hear me or he was a bit rude...he couldn't have been offended, nothing about the way I'd said "hey" gave away the mental images running through my mind concerning the things I wanted to do to that ass. I turned to look at him, gauge the situation whether it was worth my time to pursue this or not. He looked vaguely familiar to me. He stared at me not in an interested in fucking kind of way but rather in a freaked out, surprised kind of way. It was eery and he didn't say anything and then everything clicked in to place.

"Oh...God...Declan?"

"Um...yeah...you're Ste, right? I thought that was you..."

A new low had been achieved; for half a second I had wanted to fuck my ex boyfriends son. Though in my defense, I only fancied the back of him. Seeing his face squashed any sexual attraction. This moment would have been awkward even without my brief moment of perversion though. We barely knew each other...but yet we had this person in common...and with all the secrets and the fact that I was his fathers ex-lover caused an unease.

It was always important to Brendan to keep me and his kids separate even after Declan found out Brendan was gay. Before I left town Declan had only come to visit a few times. So I barely knew the kid, but 3 yrs had done him good. He had grown taller then me, taller than his dad too if I had to guess. He had a kind face, his eyes didn't hold the coldness his dads did.

"How are you? Are you visiting?" I finally asked.

"Good. Yes, Just visiting Dad"

I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to talk about his dad and I didn't know him well enough to care about whatever school he went to or whatever it is you talked to 18 yr olds about. He continued to look my way unmoving like he was in no hurry to leave and almost expected me to continue the conversation.

"So...your dad must be over the moon when you come to see him." I said struggling to come up with decent conversation. I felt an odd pressure to be nice to Declan, I didn't know why exactly. I'm sure it had to do with his being Brendan's son. I had always felt bad for his kids. I knew he adored them but he lied to them all the time and I just always thought the transition into teen and adulthood would be a hard one for the kids and Brendan to navigate through together. Its easy to lie to little kids, win them over with a bit of magic and candy but older kids start to see all the cracks and deceit.

"Yeah, sure...I bring Paraic to see him...mum likes me to stay with Paraic when he visits...she just...you know...things got rough a few years ago...he got real down... angry...and she doesn't much trust him. I had to talk her around quite a bit to get her to let Paraic stay over. Its been difficult" he stuttered through his story, but he had a purpose, he wanted to tell me something...ask me something.

"Families are difficult Dec, I'm sure things will be fine" I could only muster generic statements in reply to him. I guess I felt like maybe he'd notice my lack of insight or interest and realize I was a stranger not worth talking to and release me from any more awkward conversation. But he persisted.

" I thought Paraic needed to see him... I thought it was important...because Dad has worked hard to prove himself...and I think people can change...don't you?"

"Sure...people change all the time...for better...for worse."

"He changed after you left...for the worse...for a long while. He was angrier. He did things, said things that were difficult for us."

"Sorry to hear that Declan...but it doesn't have anything to do with me"

"Its just that after awhile he started to turn around, Lynsey really helped him and he got a lot better"

"Gosh thats great...good for him" I sarcastically raised my glass to him. I was losing my patience with this conversation.

"the thing is I think it has got something to do with you. He's been doing so good you know... then I noticed the past few weeks he's anxious...and then I see you here and I just think...you know there's a connection"

"Are you serious?"

"Its just..."

"It's just what, Declan? Fuck you!" And with that I was officially making a scene. Amy started towards us to I assume smooth the situation. She looked part worried, part frightened and possibly part annoyed. All she said was "Ste, please." in her soft pleading voice. I waved her off, she must have understood there was no stopping me.

"Ste, mate...I'm just lookin out for my dad"

"Jesus, you're just like him aren't you. Everything is about the the Brady's and fuck everyone else...you know what... no... you're right... I'm sorry my leaving hurt your poor old dad...really...I don't know what the fuck I was thinking...and you want me to leave now...is that what your getting at?"

"I just think he's been calm...just the less he's stirred up the better...if you could just...maybe..."

"Well we wouldn't want to stir up Brendan...poor guy's had it rough, yeah? And I owe him don't I for all those beatings I took...or all the times he got off fucking with my head, pretending he gave a shit so I'd blow him..." I was an inch from Declan's face I could feel my blood boiling, before I could finish my rant a loud booming voice arose from behind us "Thats enough Steven" Brendan swooped in between us and pushed me away from his son then repeated much quieter "Thats enough". But it wasn't enough, not for me.

"He's got nothing to do with this Stephen" Brendan half sneered at me. He didn't look me in the eye which wasn't Brendans style. When he fights with you its usually nose to nose gritting his teeth. He had me by my shirt collar but he quickly let me go and took a step back from me.

"He made himself apart of it when he started speaking for you." I shot back.

He turned a weary eye towards Declan "Whattdya say, Declan?"

"Dad I was just looking out for ya?" Declan looked to the floor looking decidedly much less adult then he had a few minutes ago.

"He said my leaving town because my kids were murdered really upset you ...and now my coming back is upsetting you...and that I ought to fucking leave the town I grew up in so you don't have to see my fucking face and be so ...upset"

Brendan stared at me, but said to Declan "Dec, go on home, I'll talk to ye later" he gave a flick of the wrist and with that Declan slinked off.

"He didn't know Steven...about any of that."

"Oh right why would you mention something as insignificant as that" I retorted.

He rolled his eyes. We both knew the reasoning wasn't something he'd explain to me out of pride or fear or just not wanting to because he never explained anything in the way of feelings. He was always like a alien life form, you just had to guess and interpret and take notes and study him but nothing was ever for sure. We both grasped at what to say next to each other when my thoughts were interrupted by a shriek. I turned on my heel to see Amy with a look of absolute terror on her face. The sickeningly familiar face shocked me to the core, I didn't move or talk. Her arm was over her abdomen and she was slumped a bit. Brendan strode by me taking charge as I stood in a weird stupor.

"Ye alright Amy..is it...is it the baby?" Brendan asked. Amy barely answered him before he was sweeping her out of the pub saying he'd drive us to the hospital. I helplessly trailed behind them.

I was sat next to Amy in the backseat, she stared out the window holding herself while I just hovered next to her stroking her shoulder. "Maybe it will be ok" I whispered to her. I should have been more decisive but that wasn't my strong suit. It felt like an hours drive when it was in reality only a few minutes. We were all hushed. I could see Brendan in the front seat cradling the cross around his neck in one hand. I wondered if it was a nervous habit or if he was silently praying. He always had a weak spot for women and children it wasn't inconceivable that he would pray for her. I never prayed, it just had always seemed pointless to me. My mum and step-dad had belonged to a church for awhile. I always remembered how superior he would act, like he suddenly had something over everyone else because he'd gone and went to church. He treated people like dirt, and so did mum but they were supposed to be aces because they went to fucking church and said a little prayer now and again. I didn't pray for Amy then. But I wanted with everything I had for the universe to be fair for once, and that something, somewhere would show some kind of mercy. How is it possible for one person to lose so much? How is there not a checks and balances on this sort of thing. Shouldn't there be someone or something that says "nope, she's had her fill of pain, lets move on to someone else" but that was unfortunately not how life worked, it's depressingly, nauseatingly unfair and I couldn't guarantee her life wasn't going to be unflichingly cruel again so I stayed quiet.

"I don't think it will be ok...I don't think I'm meant to..." Amy trailed off and continued to stare hard out the window.

* * *

><p>They had wheeled Amy away into some other room. It was all a blur. I felt like I needed to be next to her but I wasn't allowed. I remember shouting but I was getting confused. Arms wrapped around my chest lifting me off the ground and dragged me back to where we were meant to wait. He didn't let me go right away leaving his arms wrapped around my chest. I wasn't yelling anymore but he still shhhhhed lightly in my ear. I let my head lay back on his shoulder and rest for half a second before wrestling free from his grip.<p>

Hours past and I paced the floor of the tiny waiting room.

"She'll be ok" Brendans voice interrupted my thoughts. I had nearly forgotten he was there. He was leaning against a wall watching me like he always did.

"These fucking waiting rooms...I can't stand these fucking waiting rooms" I moaned, irritated. I couldn't stand how antiseptic and bare they were and the sickly yellow color to them. They felt like holding cells.

"Just sit down, Steven...for a few minutes, ya" his voice filled with a slight desperation, I didn't acknowledge him I was lost in my own thoughts.

"You know that night, we thought Leah might make it...that there was a chance, well we thought there was a chance because we wanted so badly for there to be one but the doctors probably knew...but we sat in a stupid dinky fucking waiting room just like this...just waiting and waiting for..."

I could feel the anger rising in me. The scared sickly desperation of that night circled me, gripped me. Part of me wanted to flee, but I couldn't leave Amy on her own, not again.

"Why won't anyone just tell us what happened..." I rested my head against a wall, everything swirling in my head the crying, the loss of that night so long ago now...I lightly tapped my forehead against the wall, then banged harder and then harder still...I was losing it and then those arms were back pulling me away. He rocked me a bit, in an attempt to sooth me I supposed. I wanted to ask if he used to do that with his kids, rocking them in this rhythmic way while holding on to them so tight. I won't lie, it did help. The slightly fatherly move was something I didn't think I'd like but I very much did despite myself.

"Its not that night, no one's going anywhere...you're ok...everythings ok" he reassured. I broke from his grip and turned to face him. His eyes were sincere, his mouth twitched slightly. He reached his hands out and slowly rested them on my waist and repeated "you're ok" I tilted my head upwards and laid a kiss on his chin. His eyes widened but he didn't say anything. He raised his hand to rest on my cheek, the look in his eye was almost grateful. I hadn't necessarily meant to show him affection, it just happened. I couldn't look him in the eye after. Just a small peck on his chin seemed to mean something to him. He would never admit that it meant something to him, but it did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Note**: Feedback makes me creepily happy...just putting that out there, no pressure. :)

Chapter 6

After hours of pacing the floors of the hospital Brendan had finally bullied enough nurses until one told us Amy hadn't lost her baby. Any more details were scarce and I was told to come back the next day during visitation hours.

And then we were back at his place. There was no discussion, I just some how ended up on his couch clutching a tumbler of scotch, my third one that night with Brendan sitting next to me. Our knees were touching I couldn't decide whether that was intentional or not.

"I should go.."

"Where, Steven?"

"Home"

"Where is home exactly?"

"Are your kids here...is Lynsey...?"

"No...no...They're sleeping over at Cheryl's, Lynsey sent me a text earlier"

"She's a good wife, yeah?"

He didn't answer me.

I felt edgy. I stood up and walked around a bit but I wasn't sure what I wanted but I knew I couldn't just go off to bed. Amy would probably be fine but the nights events had taken their toll on me.

"Where's your bedroom?"

He cocked his head to the side, "Why?" he asked. His eyes darted back and forth.

Deciding the bedroom was ultimately not necessary, I took my shirt off and let it drop to the floor. His eyes widened. He downed the scotch he'd been nursing and licked his lips. He slowly put his glass down on the end table. He moved carefully, every movement filled with questions he wouldn't ask. He was buying time or so it seemed to me. I unzipped my trousers and pulled them down to my ankles and then kicked them off in his direction. His eyes focused on me but he didn't move from the couch.

"Get up" I half ordered, half pleaded. He didn't move.

He sat with his legs apart wide like he always did. I walked towards him only stopping when my toes pushed up against the base of the sofa. I stood directly in front of him between his open legs staring down at him. He looked up at me but stayed reclined and fully dressed. It was moving slowly. Didn't he know what I wanted? Who was this man? Where was the guy that would have gotten his ass off the couch the minute I asked where his bedroom was? That guy would have devoured me in minutes...but this guy...not so much.

I climbed into his lap straddling his legs. He exhaled loudly as I ran my fingers through the hair at the back of his head. I looked in his eyes, trying to read him but it was impossible. I laid my forehead against his and then he finally made a move and rested his hand on my ass. I laid a kiss on his lips, just a light peck and started unbuttoning his shirt. Things had been so still, every movement so timid that his hand suddenly grabbing the back of my head and roughly pulling me into a deep kiss was almost jarring. It had been so long since I'd last tasted his mouth, our tongues dancing frantically. There was something nostalgic about it, the kind of nostalgia that makes you feel a bit warm and fuzzy. It was an unexpected warmth considering his and mine's relationship was hardly ever something to reflect kindly on. But if you put the whole of the relationship aside, if I could stick a pin in all the ugly I could tell you there were moments of tenderness, moments when he was inside me or kissing me where I felt almost safe which was a mystery to me. He was dangerous, I knew that long before we ever slept together and the bad in our "relationship" far outweighed the good but those good moments felt so amazing probably because they were so hard earned.

He slipped his hands into the back my pants kneading my ass as I fiddled with his fly. He broke from the kiss ending it by biting my lower lip pulling it forward before releasing me. He swept his arms under me flinging me onto my back next to him on the couch digging his fingers into the waistband of my pants

"No...do it with your teeth"

"What?"

"People on the telly say that...that so and so was so horned up they used their teeth to take off..." the booze had made me a bit silly. Sex and alcohol and revving myself up to a higher level of excitement had become almost a coping mechanism for me. It wasn't the me he was used to. Considering the heaviness of the night any levity was puzzling to him. I don't think he expected sex to begin with, but a fun romp seemed odder still to him. I didn't want brooding deep sex though. I didn't want to have a fucking cry during, that wasn't the point at all.

"shhhh...no..." he interrupted, his face scrunched up in confusion.

He didn't use his teeth to pull off my pants...he used his hands but he did it slowly like it was important or delicate or maybe it was just the last obstacle; the last thing between me and nakedness, maybe he still was considering stopping though the bulge in his pants indicated otherwise. He would move quick then slow again and I assumed it was because he was unsure, but about what I didn't know. I was the one who should have been unsure. I was the one who had spent years angry with him. But I needed this, I needed someone, anyone to just help me forget, help me feel a little bit alright. I didn't want to think about him and I and how fucked up we were/are, I didn't want to think about why there was distance between us, about Amy or our kids or her baby or hospitals or people wailing and worrying...none of that. I just wanted to forget a little, maybe even have fun. It was inappropriate, Amy was in a hospital and a one off with Brendan was probably the worst idea, but just then I wasn't thinking about that and with a little to drink things weren't looking so complicated.

He got on top of me and we sucked face again while palming each others cocks. I arched my back and pushed him upwards in an attempt to sit upright but he didn't budge.

"Let me lead" he whispered pushing me back down flat on the couch.

"No" I whispered back.

He was trying to take it slow, be patient with me. I guess that's why I felt the need to be mildly uncooperative. We always pushed and pulled against each other. In general, not necessarily sexually speaking it could be on occasion rather exhilarating to push Brendan's buttons. He was so unpredictable there was no guarantee whether your gamble would pay off or not. But the reaction was big either way and it could be exciting. Brendan was most forgiving of any brattiness on my part in the bedroom mostly because sex was his weakness. He could never kick me out of bed not even for things said or done that would have normally tested his patience or masculinity too much. Don't get me wrong most of the time sex was raw and uninhibited and a primal force that no human could resist, it was other times the more planned, slower times when I would frustrate him. One night in one of our rare upswings he invited me over purely for sex and I knew that even though he had made up an excuse for my coming over rather then just admitting he was horny and wanted to fuck. Anyway, he wanted to play with handcuffs and I never understood that sort of thing. It took forever to get me in them because I kept messing with him squirming away and giggling like a kid. I knew he wanted it to be sexy or like some porn shit but its different in practice. He locked me up, and I could tell he liked it, he got off on total control but within 10 minutes I had some how houdinied my way out of the handcuffs and then proudly shook them in front of him like the challenge of getting out of them was somehow the point. I remember his exaggerated eye roll and I knew he had wanted me to stay locked up and purr and be what he wanted but something in me wouldn't let him have it. Overloading my senses was usually the best move, going too slow gave me time to be distracted. Mostly though,we were always more sexually compatible when he took over it was more comfortable for him, and there was an element of being taken care of that had appealed to me.

"Seriously... come on...we both know what I like...you know...what we're like" he was trying not to just take me over but he liked to do things his way and no amount of sympathy was going to override that instinct in him. He had taken my "no" to be the start of something, but it wasn't, I wanted to fuck too much to stop and seriously squabble about anything.

I interrupted him "...you know what Brendan, you talk too much..."

"huh..." he shook his head not understanding what I said or how I meant it. He was making an effort to be accommodating to me and I could tell he was confused by my reaction to him.

"Someone needs to shut you up..." I continued. The familiarity of my words suddenly hit him and he gave me a half smirk, I kissed him quickly and added "Suck my cock...please"

"You're a pushy little fucker now, aren't ya?"

"What? I said please...you never say please ..."

He took the tip of his tongue and traced his way up the shaft of my cock, then encircled the head before taking me in his mouth. He deep throated my cock while tugging at himself. I groaned and moaned and swiveled my hips excitedly thrusting into his mouth. He took a hold of my hips, steadied me and removed my cock from his mouth giving it one last lick before turning his attentions to my ass. He slid his hands under me and shoved my ass up and apart proceeding to give me the rim job of a lifetime. When he took his face away from my ass he told me to roll over, and I responded "no" but not for any legitimate reason. I had no objection to that position, but picking at him pleased me. Not deterred he smiled and grabbed my ankles and hiked them up on his shoulders. He put a hand on my face and directed my head up, making me look him in the eye as he entered me. He kissed my neck and I groaned and then so did he. He was thrusting in long even strokes, his hands gently searching me over. His eyes would catch mine and it started to make me feel rather curious. I'd been with tons of guys since Brendan...tall guys, fat guys, I've topped, bottomed...in every way imaginable, and it was all fun. I'd get off and that was the end of it. I never got emotionally attached. I had long ago decided the feelings I had for Brendan were dead, I mean the deep stuff, the feelings that would have made me want to die for him back when we started when I was hopelessly enamored, and addicted. I assumed I felt that way back then because he was the first man I went to bed with, or because I was so young and I hadn't been loved by many people and his obsessive ways could feel like love but I had decided it was all schemes and magic that I would never fall for again.

The further things went during our sexcapade, with the face touching and soul searching stares coming from him it became increasingly clear that I was misguided in thinking sex with him would feel the same as pulling a random. He wasn't anonymous, far from it and the years of distance between us hadn't changed the feel of him or his knowledge of me. He played me like an instrument, he knew all the right buttons to push and to be honest every button I had to push sexually speaking he had installed. He had awakened my sexuality years ago and schooled me and now being under him had sent a wave of memories over me and something was building inside me something like affection, or need and it was making me suddenly uncomfortable. It wasn't what I wanted...I didn't want to feel whatever was prickling up under the surface, it was too much. I didn't want to think about the sudden feelings that were starting to make my stomach feel like it was full of rocks. My brain was divided between affection, anger and pure pleasure and it was making everything a bit murky and the bit of me that just wanted everything to stop for minute compelled me to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze, only lightly at first. It felt good, there was a power to it that I liked and a feeling like I could control this. He slowed his rhythm, though he didn't stop thrusting all together but his eyes widened in confusion, I stared into them then I squeezed harder, he grimaced at me but he let me continue for some unknown reason, for a second or two he let me choke him. His face turned red and he looked mildly pissed but there was more to it than that, then he pried my hands off his neck and pushed them down above my head he was stilled inside me then, searching my face for an answer as to what the fuck had just occurred. I groaned "keep going" and he did but he thrust harder into me with an edge of anger. I reveled in the harshness, focusing on it made the uncomfortable squishy feelings move to the background of my mind. I closed my eyes and rode the angry thrusts and pushed the notion of "love" out of my head, he teasingly kept my hands in his grip restricting me from touching myself. He kissed me on the mouth, hard but full of need, desperately searching my mouth with his tongue. He let my hands free and I clamped a hold of a fistful of his hair as he jerked me off until I came. Then he dug his fingers into the flesh of my ass grabbing hard enough for me to know he'd leave marks and then he came too.

I thought about leaving but I was too exhausted, my whole body felt heavy. We didn't talk, he laid a kiss on my chest then buried his face into my belly keeping it there as we drifted off to sleep.

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

The weight of what had happened was pounding in my head before I even opened my eyes. I was still on Brendan's sofa but I was covered with a blanket and Brendan was nowhere in sight. My clothes were neatly folded on the coffee table in front of me. I hurriedly dressed, hoping Brendan had left the flat enabling me to slip out undetected.

I was up and mostly dressed when Brendan came into the room with two cups of coffee in his hands.

"Whats the hurry, Steven?" he asked, his head bobbing in mock confusion as he extended one of the cups of coffee my way.

"I just thought...you know the kids would be home soon and I didn't want..."

"Don't worry about that, Cheryl's got them for the day"

"...and Lynsey?"

"Lynsey has work, she wouldn't care anyways"

"She wouldn't care about her husband having mounted his ex on her sofa last night?"

"Its not her sofa" he said with a dry laugh before adding "Look its not like that, Lynsey was just helping me out when we got married. Eileen and I were at odds, we had to go to court, being married to Lynsey was strategic...nothing to it...really."

"Then why are you still..."

"We help each other...thats all...I'm free to do what I want" he looked at me a bit sheepishly. He can't have meant going any further with me, that was an impossibility as far as I was concerned. I ended the conversation by announcing I needed to get to the hospital, which was true but I'd be lying if I didn't admit this sudden urgency an hour before visiting hours had nothing to do with him.

"You scared of me, Steven?" He called after me as I bolted to the door.

"No, course not" I replied with false bravado. I turned around to face him surprised at the question. I was afraid of him in a way, but not like I used to be, not because I thought he'd beat me down. It was a different fear, one of getting too close. I almost wanted him to treat me like dirt in the morning. He used to sometimes back in the day dismiss me after sex. I hated it then, but I'd have killed for it now.

"No, you aren't afraid of anything anymore are ye, kid?" He asked sarcastically, but the way he was looking at me I knew he was really questioning what I was like now, who I was.

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

"We'll have to cancel the wedding, Ste. I mean, it wasn't going to be much but we were looking forward to it. Lee will be gutted..." Amy had been on a tangent since I arrived. The doctor had told her the remainder of her pregnancy she would have to be on bed rest.

"Lee will be alright as long as you and the baby are ok." I reassured. I held her hand and she smiled at me but I could tell her mind was racing.

"What about my job...I was counting on the money for a few more months...and Lee won't want to leave me alone...I don't know how we'll cope Ste...I just..." she started to cry. I sat on the edge of her bed and patted her head while she sobbed.

"Ste...do you think...maybe you would think about staying a bit longer than you planned..."

"Oh...Ames...I don't know."

"Ste...I need someone to look out for me, your my best friend"

"Things have happened Amy...I just..."

The Brendan situation was doing my head in and in all honesty my plan was to stick with Amy until Lee got home that night and then leave town first thing in the morning. But Amy was looking at me with these big tear filled eyes and I knew saying no would make me the biggest prick on the planet, but yet I was still considering it until she effectively ended the argument by quietly adding "You owe me".


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Amy had been home from the hospital a week and I'd been looking after her during the day while Lee was at work. Mostly, we watched telly in her room, and made fun of ugly people on chat shows. She was frustrated and worried and hated bed rest with a passion. I tried to make her laugh as often as I could, but I was a little rusty in the merry making department.

It had also been a week or so since I'd slept with Brendan and to say it was still in my thoughts would be an understatement. I tried to stay focused on Amy but my mind would drift to that night with Brendan, his body over mine, the warmth of it, and the thing that would really set me off was that fucking stare of his. If I drifted off too long Amy would ask what was wrong in this concerned hesitant voice. She still worried about my state of mind. Sometimes she would assume I was thinking about the kids and say softly that she thought of them too, then a guilt would weave its way into my belly. How could I be thinking about Brendan after all that has happened? The minute I set foot back in Hollyoaks I was more consumed with the loss of them then I had been since it happened. They ran through my head almost constantly, but then I get a bit of Brady dick in me and suddenly they're pushed to the background? It didn't make sense and it felt disrespectful in a way that made me queasy. It never mattered where I moved to or how far I went their ghosts followed me, haunted my dreams. Their faces loomed in every corner of my mind. My life changed when I became their dad, they were my life and I found after they were gone they still were. There was a comfort in that, as odd as that might sound. I felt sometimes like they still existed in a way and that my failure to move on from them wasn't something to be pitied or talked away in therapy but something worth doing.

I'm not saying I didn't do things to forget from time to time, things no man should blame on his children. I had tried to fuck the pain away more times than I could count and that wasn't the worst of it, but it never killed the pain for long. I never felt guilty over one night stands or taking fistfuls of pills or getting drunk off my ass because the relief was always so fleeting. But I found that Brendan and having been with him took up too much of my head space. I could've found relief in the fact that these thoughts of us together brought me no joy, but it didn't.

I didn't regret what we did together in a traditional sense. I didn't feel ashamed of what had happened. It just felt wrong in a way, like I had violated the flow of time. I had on a whim just thrown out everything that had happened between him and I. I set my mind to a different time, and threw myself down this rabbit hole, deep down into this emotional pit I hadn't dealt with or thought of in years. Before I slept with him I couldn't even imagine being consumed with him again, I couldn't imagine being consumed with anything other than loss. But as wrong as it felt, as misguided, as disrespectful...there was this nagging part of me that wanted more. It was the worst kind of want, like picking at a scab or scratching at a persistent itch.

And the worst part was and always had been that I knew the man he was didn't deserve my obsession. He always took all of what I gave him, drank it in, savored the victory in my falling for him and then promptly spit me out. Our love if that's what it was, was never any kind of blessing just an unstoppable force, like getting hit by a train...multiple times. I suppose a rational person might wonder how someone who wasn't a complete moron could have stayed so long obsessed with a partner that was so awful. And I'd be forced to admit that my bitterness tended cloud over any of his redeeming qualities. He had done things and no matter what I did I couldn't get around knowing he'd done them out of a place of caring. He was shit at expressing himself. He was shit at dealing with his emotions. He was shit at even just carrying on a conversation with me. He had broken my heart and my trust over and over again but I knew with everything in me that if he had to choose between saving my life or his own, he'd save mine rather than his without hesitation. That perception refused to leave me even now, even after all these years. And it was hard to get over feelings as deep as we had, even if there were ugly things that went along with feelings that big. I never lost sight of what feelings so strong could compel you to do to each other or even to bystanders. When he bashed a mans skull in out of love for me I never considered the act a valentine. I knew it was sick, but I also knew he thought he was protecting me.

I knew Brendan was dangerous. I knew all these things about him but it wasn't fear necessarily that repelled me. It felt more like a weariness that kept me from returning his calls. I didn't care if he hit me, he could grind me into dust and I'm not certain it would wound me the way it had years ago. Part of me might welcome the abuse now. But I just didn't feel like loving him or anyone else anymore. It bothered me to feel the heat, and the intensity of what we did together coursing through my veins. It may not have been love but it was something uncomfortably akin to it.

One night after dinner Lee started complaining about bills and Amy being out of work making things more difficult. I'm almost pretty sure my actions that followed were for purely altruistic reasons. Lee and Amy needed help, I would be staying there for a few more months, it made sense to get a job at night to help out. It made total sense to go to my old employer and ask for a temp job. It would be a sure thing for good money. I told myself all these things as I made my way to Chez Chez.

I reached the top of the stairs and the place was dead.

"Hi! Private party tonight, place is closed." a cheery voice called to me from behind the bar. He looked to be a student, perky, and a total twink. He had to have been Brendan's hire he was too much his type not to be. I briefly wondered if Brendan had fucked him yet.

"I'm here to see Brendan."

"Oh well, he's locked in the office...he doesn't want to see anyone..."

"I don't care" I said dismissively as I headed towards the closed office door.

"But...he doesn't want to be disturbed...I'm not supposed to..." his voice getting higher the closer I got to the door. I waved him off and knocked anyway.

Brendan was shouting an angry "What?" before he even opened the door. He was wild eyed and pissed, coming out to ruin whoever who had dared to knocks day...until he saw me. His eyes softened a bit but to be honest not a lot. He stared at me for a few seconds as the twink was chattering on about not being able to stop me and how sorry he was.

"Michael go back to work" Brendan sighed flicking his fingers towards the bar. The barman did as he was told and left us in peace.

"Oh, Michael is it? Let me guess all his friends call him Mikey but you call him Michael...and after hours..." I jabbed at him.

"What, you jealous Steven?" he interrupted with a hint of amusement, as he ushered me into the office. It wasn't that I was jealous exactly. Maybe a little, but mostly I was amused at the pattern I thought I'd spotted. And for a few moments I allowed myself to think I was just one of many skinny young barmen Brendan had taken to bed. It helped me steel myself against him pretending I didn't mean anything to him more than this new lad or any other.

"Whatever...look...I need a favor." I was being unnecessarily short with him. There was no reason for me to be, I was asking him for a favor after all. I should have thoughtfully asked if he could help me out for the sake of Amy and her dear baby; he was a sucker for babies, but I felt like I had to be hard with him now. There had to be a wall between us or he'd take advantage. I could remember a time when I wasn't that way with him, I remembered when we first started up and I was like his little kitten, following him around and looking up to him. It was the briefest period in our relationship, the very first weeks before we ever even kissed when I thought he was cool and put together and the attention he showed me flattered me into an odd submissive state. He was like a cool older brother, and I guess I fancied him even then, though I didn't quite know it yet.

"A _favor_...fascinating...go on..." his pissy sarcasm shown in the way he spit the word "favor" back at me. I couldn't tell if this was general Brendan bad mood or if I had pissed him off. My not calling him back might have done the trick but then again it could have had nothing at all to do with me. One never knew with Brendan.

"I need a job...short term at night. It's to help out Amy"

"You want your old job back?" he asked puzzled.

"Or whatever would pay alright...you know in a short period of time"

"What do you mean..Steven?" he knew what I was implying, but he asked anyway with his eyebrows arched and lips curled.

"Well...I just mean if you needed help in some of your 'side businesses'...I wouldn't mind...helping out."

"You want to deal drugs...you?"

"Wha...its not like I've never done it before..."

"Oh, you did a spot of drug dealing after juvey, did ye?"

"yeah...what...you want references or something, its not brain surgery...and I didn't ask to deal exactly... if you needed something delivered...I don't know I was just saying..."

"I thought you were above such activity Steven?"

"I was...but funny thing about not having anything to live for... it lowers you standards." It was a mood killer but it was true. I wanted a bit of money to give to Amy, I wasn't picky about how I got it and I didn't give a shit about the consequences.

"You know Warren is still part owner, right? I mean partner in 'side projects' as well..." Brendan said blatantly trying to dissuade me.

"Would've thought you'd gotten rid of him by now"

"Well...financial stuff, and he's well connected...it just worked out this way...plus things are bit more dangerous on that side of things now..."

"So what, I can carry a gun or whatever."

"No." His jaw tensed and his eyes got cold. It was an order, short and direct like you would give to your dog to keep it from pissing on the rug.

"...because I shot Warren? It wasn't a bad shot considering I was new...I mean I hit him." It was no use but I protested anyway. I wanted him to know I wasn't useless, and I could take care of myself but the look in his eye didn't change.

"That's not why...I'm not putting a gun in your hands...end of." He looked past me quiet for awhile. He looked stricken by the mention of a gun and it confused me. I couldn't work out why it would upset him until it dawned on me that the last time I had a gun I put it to my head and pulled the trigger. Not that I had forgotten the event itself, I just had misjudged the weight of it and the affect it had had on Brendan. I assumed time had dulled the impact of the event, but watching him jitter and look away from me proved otherwise.

"Bren...that won't happen again. I wouldn't in front of you like that." I tried to reassure. I almost reached out to touch his hand but I couldn't bring myself to go that far. I should have felt bad at how much he had been affected by what happened but I couldn't muster any sympathy for him.

"in front of me" he repeated with a humorless laugh.

"You know what I mean...and nothing happened anyways...I'm still here" I strained to sound overly upbeat as I smiled and enthusiastically pointed at myself to illustrate my point. I was trying to make light of it but he wasn't amused. Its not that I thought it was something to laugh about or that it wasn't serious because it was. I wanted to die that night and if the gun hadn't been a cheap piece of shit I would be. Brendan knew it and so did I. The topic made us both uncomfortable and we shifted around until he changed the subject.

"That's not the only reason...anyway...I didn't think you were fond of Warren. Why wouldya want to work near him?"

"You say he didn't do it, maybe he didn't do it..." Brendan had planted a lot of doubts in my head about what I thought happened the night of the fire, but I still wasn't completely convinced. I knew for sure though that avoiding Warren and hating him for what happened wasn't going to get me answers. I could hate him forever, but if he didn't do it, what was the point? And if there was maybe something to learn, I was more likely to learn it if I got closer to him.

"You can work the bar again, alright..." Brendan finally consented

" Do you even have a spot available?"

"Can you start tonight?"

"Yeah...I guess."

"Good" he responded. He leaned his head out the door and called the twink barman into the office. He was putting on a show for me as he elaborately sacked the kid in front of me. Ending his show by lightly pushing the dumbfounded kid out the door with a "See ya around, Mikey." He then turned his attentions back to me and stated blankly "A spot just opened up."

I'd been on the receiving end of Brendan's showy dismissals before. Its mean and embarrassing and I should have felt bad for the twink but something in me was turned on by what Brendan had done. Not that I wanted to feel that way, I just did. He'd made this big point to sack a kid I thought he might be fucking to give me my job back and it was immature and weird but I ate it up. I tried not to show any approval, only nodding like I was going over a business proposal despite that I'd already said yes. He saw through me, he knew he had impressed me.

He locked the office door and I knew what that meant. Part of me ached for it, part of me dreaded even the thought of it. He stood quiet at the door looking back at me, assessing me as everyone did these days for a multitude of reasons. I returned his gaze letting my eyes settle on his neck. I randomly wondered how long my hand marks had stayed around his throat after our sex romp last week. I wondered if he had had to explain the red marks to Lynsey or Cheryl and what he would have told them. I almost chuckled thinking of Brendan possibly wearing a scarf for a day or so to cover of up the lingering marks of rough sex with his ex. I was sat on a sofa, a different one from the one that had been there 3 years ago. The whole office was rearranged, still a tiny squatty hole but someone, I suspect Cheryl had spruced it up a bit. I was so busy admiring the décor that I hadn't noticed Brendan was now standing over me. I almost jumped when my eyes met with his intense stare, it wasn't harsh or angry just purposeful. He wasn't smiling, though he never smiled much, not sincerely anyway. He'd smile to intimidate people, or he'd put on this big laugh when he was being a dick but I'd only seen him sincerely smile from pure happiness maybe a handful of times. He was standing directly in front of me, he nudged his knee between my legs prompting me to open them. I was falling under the spell of his over confidence same as I used to years ago. I remembered back then thinking he had some sort of Jedi mind trick for getting me out of my pants. I looked up at him and we held each others gaze as he knelt down in front of me between my legs. He ran his hands up and down my thighs in this rough kneading motion before grabbing at my crotch through my pants. I let out a sigh then somewhat inexplicably shook my head "no". He stopped diddling me but left his hand resting there until I said the actual word "no" aloud.

"Maybe we should just work together...and maybe not do this..." I said haltingly. I had let my hand flop down to rest on my knee. He didn't say anything at first just took his hand away from my cock. He stayed on his knees and then let his forehead rest against my hand. He muttered "ok" low into my hand as he kissed the palm, and then he whispered "ok" again before kissing my wrist. He only lingered a moment longer before he bolted to his feet like a shot and turned away from me. I couldn't tell if he was angry, or embarrassed or both or neither.

**X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X**

"No, Ste...that is like the worst idea...I mean just the worst..." Amy was a combination of confused and livid the next morning when I told her of my "new" job.

"Stop being a drama queen...it's just a job. I'll serve drinks, get paid then come back here"

"Oh and Brendan had nothing to do with this job idea, ya?" She scrunched her face up at me.

"Only...that I knew he'd give me a job right away...and I wanted to help out around here. What good would going through a long application process have helped...right?"

"Right...and you couldn't have went to Tony? Or even Jack knows you well enough to have helped out but _no_ your first choice was Brendan of all people?" It was uncanny how on the nose she could be. Sometimes I worried she could read my thoughts.

"Ames, I told him it was just a work thing, nothing more." I could barely look her in the eye. I could say whatever but we both knew she was right. I didn't just go there for an easy job. I didn't even know myself what I wanted from Brendan but it was something. I didn't even want to think about it. I just wanted to be there.

"Ste, you know what your resolve is like around him. Seeing him every night..."

"Its not like it was. I'm different. You see that don't you?" I hated that she acted like I was the weak willed boy who cried on her shoulder back then. That wasn't me, what was happening wasn't like that. I wanted badly to tell her how I felt about him now, why I was doing what I was doing but I couldn't. I was drawing a blank.

"Of course I do...but you seeking him out for a job...it just seems like maybe some things haven't changed." She was almost pleading with me. I understood her concern. She thought I was fragile and that he would send me over the edge. I wasn't under his magical spell, he hadn't asked me to do anything or pushed me to do anything.

"Look it's just work...thats it...I'm not going to sleep with him again."

"When you say again?" She knew, she didn't need to ask but she did anyway. And just like back in the day my face confirmed her suspicions further. She opened her mouth like she was about to gasp but no sound came out.

"Ok no, we're not talking about this anymore". I was getting up and leaving the room, and the one good thing about fighting with a bed ridden woman...she can't follow you.

"Ste! Come on...I just don't want you to get hurt. I think your using him to hide from what you're really back here for." she called after me.

"What does that even mean?" I was losing my patience with her.

"You know what I mean. You can't live in the past anymore Ste. It's going to kill you. You have to make peace with Leah and Lucas being gone...you have to. And you know why your going after him. You know its so you don't have to say goodbye properly...so you have something else to distract from that"

"You don't know how I'm feeling. You don't know whats best for me." she had properly pissed me off now. She wasn't the authority on grief. And yes, she was right a good amount of the time when it came to me and sometimes Brendan...but I wasn't who I was in ways she couldn't begin to understand.

"You didn't even go to their funeral." She stated quietly adding "Have you been to their graves since you've been back?" She looked at me with her knowing sorrowful eyes and I wanted to tear out of there, leave her on her own because I couldn't stand to hear anymore.

"You know what Ames, why don't shut up, huh? Don't tell me how to grieve for my fucking kids...I don't..." I couldn't even finish the sentence before I slammed my hand down on a bedside table.

"FINE" she shouted over me before adding more quietly "...fine, do what you want but he's not your family Ste. I'm looking out for you because I love you, because we're family. He will never be good for you, he'll never be family to you, it's not in him."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It should have been old hat. My misspent youth had given me a wealth of experience in dodgy deals but for some reason standing in a alley way freezing my arse off at 1am waiting to make a trade made me more nervous than I had anticipated. "Its an easy deal" Warren had in his way reassured before sending me off. He was the last person on the planet I should have been trusting but yet there I was waiting around to make a drug deal. He could have easily been setting me up but I realized by the way he breathed "come back to mine after your done" in my ear that he still had a use for me.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

I knew going back to Chez Chez and seeing Warren at work would have an affect on me. I just didn't how much it would affect me. I had told everyone I was over my suspicions of him. I had told myself I was to a point. But then I was there and so was he and I couldn't help but watch him. I listened to the way he talked to people, watched the way he walked, logged his every facial expression. It hadn't been my intention to survey Warren but as weeks went by my obsession only grew. It wasn't that I was looking for hard evidence or a confession. I knew those things were impossible to achieve. I knew Warren Fox would never confess. I knew every bit of evidence from that night was gone and even if there had been evidence to gather I was too stupid to gather it or make use of it. I wanted to see Warren, I mean really see him and watching him from a far started to not be enough. I wanted to see him with his guard down. I wanted to look into his face and see there were lines he wouldn't cross. I didn't really know how to go about getting to that position with him and I knew it was idiotic to try to but I couldn't let it go. I knew I had to get closer to him some how but it wasn't going to be an easy task.

My first night back at work Warren had greeted me with a look of genuine surprise before putting on his patented tough guy face and calling to Cheryl "What's Ratboy doing back here?" Cheryl had rolled her eyes in reply and Warren walked off and that was the end of it. He never gave me an order or greeted me with even a head nod after that. Though a lot of people avoided me, I made them uncomfortable. They'd smile and nod and then leave me alone. It was a behavior I had spurred on. I didn't like too many questions fired my way, and I found I wasn't all that curious about other peoples lives anymore which crippled most any conversation. Even Brendan was keeping a distance. Occasionally I'd feel his eyes on me but only for a moment here and there. Even back when Brendan was deep in the closet he would stand in the doorway of his office and watch me work for what had to have seemed to anyone paying attention an unusually long time. Sometimes I hated it, and then other times it got me off to know I was on his mind, to know he couldn't help but linger near me but now he would only communicate with me through grunts and nods or mostly through his favorite mode of communication the 'Cheryl Express'. I couldn't make out whether the distance stemmed from hurt or anger. There was an off chance it stemmed from a respect for my wishes to be only co-workers but that wasn't usually Brendan's style. The Brendan I knew would parade around me like a peacock while pulling my pigtails right before trying to talk me into a quick fuck no matter whether I wanted him to or not.

After weeks of spending way too much of my concentration on Warren I finally got the balls to approach him. During an early evening lull Warren had slumped down in one of the booths looking rather strung out. He sat staring at his phone sighing loudly. Brendan was out, as was Cheryl and there was maybe 3 customers hanging about. He and I were practically alone. I stood stupefied for a few moments before deciding I had to try to extend a hand to him and see if he would take it. There was a fair chance he'd tell me to piss off and it would all end there but something in me had to continue with my vague mission. The problem being that to get Warren to trust me enough to let his guard down I was going to have to be something of a friend to him. But how do you become friends with a mobster? Even if he wasn't evil he still had a hard shell. It wasn't as if an hour of making nice was going to make us bff's. But I had to start somewhere so I poured him a whiskey. I tentatively made my way to where he was sat and cleared my throat to get his attention. He glanced up at me but not with kindness in his eyes rather curiosity and a weariness. I extended the drink to him with a friendly "You look like you could use this, mate." I smiled broadly at him without a hint of irony or anger and it seemed to peak his interest.

"Whats this laced with cyanide?" I wasn't sure if the question was legitimate or not but he didn't drink until I answered "no".

"Look, Warren...I...uh...need to say I'm sorry to you... I ...uh...shouldn't have shot you..." It wasn't poetic but it was direct. And there was at least partly a chance he was owed an apology, but even still it stuck in my throat a bit. He didn't say anything in return just stared into his drink.

"That night though, Warren...I was out of mind. I mean you had threatened me...but coming at you with a gun was stupid. I could have killed you and I understand why you would be angry with me, I understand why you wouldn't forgive me...but I am sorry." I continued. He still sat looking hard at his drink. It was like trying to get blood from a fucking stone. I know I shot the asshole but I mean even he had to know I had a reason to suspect him. Even he had to see what I lost and find understanding for me.

"I'm sorry." I repeated weakly and rather pathetically. The quiet guy thing was starting to make me uncomfortable.

"Its...ok. Alright mate. I'm not after ya." He finally conceded.

I didn't know how to reply so I didn't I just took his empty glass and started back towards the bar to get him another drink.

"Get yourself one too" he called after me. His request surprised me but I did what he asked and returned to his table with 2 drinks. And we sat drinking next to one another. And though no words were exchanged there was a weird understanding in sitting next to each other sharing a drink.

The next round of drinks made us a bit chattier, not excessively so, but my internal censor had been dulled.

"So how bad was the leg?" I asked pointing to where I had shot him. I had sickly wondered about how much damage I caused him. I never really got close enough to see whether I had just grazed him or worse that night. It seemed like the bullet had went in but I was never sure. It was a tricky subject considering it easily could have soured his seemingly goodwill to be reminded further of what I had done. But he laughed in reply, loudly and for a couple seconds. It wasn't exaggerated and ominous the way Brendan sometimes laughed. Warren was a little buzzed and I realized that first drink I served him wasn't probably his first of the day. Though drunk or not I wasn't sure too many comparisons between him and Brendan were fair...to either of them. People in town seemed to lump them together at times. And there were similarities but it always seemed to me their hearts were darkened in different places.

As he got up to leave he patted me on the back hard and told me he'd "see me around". And for some reason that small exchange changed everything. Not that we were buddies or anything. But he started acknowledging me at work. He sometimes would sit at the bar and have a drink while I was working and he'd talk about football. One time he bitched about the "people in this town". Warren had a bad rep. He had had one years ago when his wife disappeared, but it only got worse when he returned from the dead. He tended to go too far to get what he wanted but I didn't know why lately he was getting more flack then usual. He didn't get into specifics with me but I commiserated because there was a time I was hated around town and branded a "wife beater". I suppose it was strange he shared anything at all with me. Stranger still that I wasn't working all that hard for his attention. I was friendly to him though, friendlier to him than most anyone else of late. I listened intently to him about anything he had to say. I even pretended to give a shit about football, even caught a few games on the telly. But besides that I hadn't plotted to run into him or cornered him or excessively poured on the charm. It made me wonder if men like Warren got lonely?

Our odd little budding friendship took an even stranger turn one night when a call from my roommate and a distressing email from my bank lead me to vent about some money problems to Warren. I hadn't meant to confide in him. I had temporarily lost my angle with him and was just venting like I would to a friend. I couldn't vent to an actual friend. I couldn't take my money problems to Amy. I had taken the Chez Chez job for Amy, to help Amy and now I didn't think I'd make enough to help her. Warren and I sat together at one of the tables at Chez Chez having a drink. He put his arm around my shoulders and said "Mate, I've got just the solution". And he did, he had a few "little" jobs I could do for him. Just a few little tasks...a few slightly illegal tasks and that would solve it. I had asked Brendan for that very opportunity a few weeks prior but now that it was being offered by Warren I began to have second thoughts. Brendan would be pissed and so would Amy if she ever found out. I thanked him though and tentatively agreed to his offer which he assured I could back out of if I needed which I thought generous, coming from Warren anyway.

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"So you really got a thing for bad boys don't ya?"

I turned around quickly, surprised by the sudden voice behind me.

"Oh...you...what you on about, Michaela?" I moaned, rolling my eyes. I couldn't help but act like a sulky teenager with Michaela. She'd been to visit Amy a few times since I'd been back in town but I couldn't say we talked much. We had a begrudging connection because of Amy but she had always irritated the life out of me. I'd known her since I was sixteen and our relationship hadn't evolved at all over the years. I will say though she was the only person who didn't treat me any differently when I got back to town. She showed no sympathy to me and while that might seem like a selfish cunty thing... I kind of found it endearing.

"I don't know...just that I saw you on your date with Warren Fox" She grinned slyly at this little revelation of hers. The absurdity of the notion stunned me.

"What the fuck? We drank near each other at the place we both work."

"All cozy in a booth..."

"He's my boss..." and I regretted saying it before I even finished the sentence considering everyone knew I didn't have an aversion to fucking my boss. She didn't need to say anything she just cackled and used her fingers to mimic stroking a mustache to make her point.

"Jesus, Michaela only you would see two guys having a drink as some weird affair"

"Oh I'm not the only one..."

"OK, fine...who else...what are you trying to tell me?"

"Anyone who's read Mitzeee's latest book might see it the way I did. Anyway! Is it true he's got a 'stamina' problem?"

"I don't know...we haven't...just fuck off Michaela"

I felt like the biggest idiot. Here I was trying to figure Warren out and the whole fucking town supposedly knew deep dark secrets about him. Apparently Warren and Mitzeee had ended on very bad terms. She threatened him, things got ugly and she was forced out of town luckily with her life intact. The bad blood caused her to add an account of a "violent man" named "Walt" whom she nearly married while living in a small town near Chester to her latest book about her lovers or life or whatever. Obviously the name change didn't fool anyone here. A lot was stuff we all already knew, things like he had a temper, was a mobster who did mobster things. She spoke of things he'd done to people to get his way. She lobbed a lot of accusations one of which being that Warren or "Walt" would fuck anything that moved. She caught him having sex with both male and female partners frequently. It went on and on how selfish he was as a lover, how rough, how premature. All his crimes, and personality faults and the embarrassing sex stuff all read like a jilted ex's lies. But she wrote about how calculating he could be she even alluded to him having maybe done something dire to his previous girlfriend. But such a major accusation butted up against a claim that he was a premature ejaculator was hard to take seriously.

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"I need your help" I exclaimed before pushing past him and into his flat. I barely looked at him, I didn't want to see the look on his face whether it be surprise, anger or a showing of any other emotion I didn't want to have to over analyze at that moment.

"Well...come on in Steven" Brendan deadpanned watching me cross the room.

I wasn't facing him rather I was facing the couch. That fucking couch. The last thing I wanted was to reminisce about him fucking me on that couch but yet the thoughts of us there started poking at me anyway.

"Jesus, don't keep me in suspense" he said interrupting my thoughts.

"I need...I need you to help me find Mitzeee...do you know where she is?"

His eyes narrowed skeptically. He brushed by me towards a cabinet where he took out a bottle of whiskey.

"Want some?" he asked before pouring himself a drink.

"I want you to answer me"I replied flatly.

"What d'ya want _her_ for?"

"I just have some questions" I knew that wouldn't settle it. I knew he would be difficult but I didn't want to explain myself.

"What makes you think I know where she is?" he threw his hands up like I was asking impossible questions.

"Cause I think she asked you for help getting out of town." He and Mitzeee were occasional allies and if she needed help being hidden he I thought would be her first choice.

"Well, Steven she's not exactly living incognito...she published a book for fucks sake..."

"Yeah...but no one knows where she's living. She dropped off the map after that book..."

"Ok so what are these burning questions you have for her?"

"Can't you just help me...just give me a number or something?"

"Me and Mitz aren't exactly best friends, Steven. I don't know where she would've went to"

"I know you could find her if you wanted to"

"And why would I want to..."

"Cause I'm asking..."

"Yeah, I'm gonna need more than that...what you want from her?"

"Its just...

"What Steven?"

"She was with Warren still before I left... they were engaged."

"So?"

"You know why thats important. You know what I want to ask her."

"Well, aren't you adorable...a regular Nancy Drew. You gonna solve a murder mystery Steven?"

"Hey...come on...it was my kids, Brendan...I need to know what happened to them" I was taken aback by his sudden dig.

"And your junior detective act is that why you've been so close to Warren lately?" he asked coldly. He had clearly been watching me. And as always I was supposed to give a shit about some insecurity of his or whatever it was that made him get all pissy about stupid shit. So I was talking to Warren? I didn't get how he was the second person to act like it meant anything. And yes, I was working an odd vague angle with Warren but how could anyone else know that? I hadn't done anything but chat casually with the man yet here Brendan was jaw clenched speaking slowly and coldly.

"Close? We've talked a few times. Whats it to you anyway? According to you he's a stand up guy right...would never hurt a fly?"

"I said he didn't set your house on fire...I didn't say he wouldn't...he just didn't. He's not a good guy. Stay away from him." He gave an order, he stated it authoritatively like that tactic had ever worked on me before.

"I can talk to whoever the fuck I want to!" raising my voice even though I knew it wasn't the way to get what I wanted with Brendan.

"Yeah, you ever wonder why he wants to talk to you...you ever wonder what angle he's playing?" he roared as he started charging towards me because when things got heated Brendan's favorite place to be was a few inches from my face. I backed up against a wall as he continued staring me down.

"Its just talk, even guys like Warren can have a chat with an employee from time to time." I stated a bit calmer having realized my mistake. I was attempting to be reasonable, calm things down.

"Yeah and how many years have you known him for? And how many times did he pause to chat with you over the years? And remind me what that charming nickname it is he has for you...what was it? Rat boy is it?"

"I don't know maybe he's lonely what with the whole town giving him flack over Mitzeee's book."

"...Seriously? he sarcastically asked before laughing in my face "And here I was thinking you was all growed up...but no your still just sweet little naïve Steven, aren't ya?" there was poignancy to his comment, because after weeks of him handling me with kid gloves I could see the old Brendan springing to life in those words and apparently he saw the old me in my words. And even though I had far more experience with Brendan being a prick then the respectful guy who had greeted me when I came back to town I was still put off.

"I don't know what I think..." I responded quietly because I really didn't know what I thought of anything anymore. I wanted answers and wanted clarity but my brain was too scattered to make all the necessary connections. I felt like I was just floating from conclusion to conclusion never really committing.

"Thats fairly obvious...So he either killed your children...or he's a lonesome friendly guy...which one is it?" He was frustrated with me, I couldn't grasp the whole weight of it though. So I had questions, so I was confused...what did it matter to him?

"I don't know." I replied again weakly wishing I did know but I didn't.

"Jesus, its neither...Steven...neither. By the way, What is it you think I did after you left? You said he _murdered_ your children...you think I just let that go? You think it just ended cause you fucked off to wherever?"

"I don't know"

"Yeah, well...I talked to Mitzeee before she left, I more than talked to her. Did you seriously think I'd not...do _something_? Did you ever wonder about me at all?"

"No." I said it quietly without anger but it still sounded shittier than I meant it but I didn't think of him while I was away. Maybe a fleeting moment but I had stored him away. He was apart of a life I didn't have anymore and I didn't wonder about what he was up to.

"Right of course not, because I had something to do with it right? I'm like Warren, you come over here for a fuck or a favor but your still investigating. I'm still on the suspect list right?"

"I don't know, alright. Stop asking me all these fucking questions? I don't know why your acting like this. I had my heart ripped out back then and your upset I didn't think about you more...I mean...Fuck you Brendan!" I yelled but I wasn't exactly angry. I was confused. He was getting inordinately upset and I couldn't see why. I just couldn't see where he was coming from.

"No... fuck you..." He didn't scream it at me like I thought he would. He started to unwind but he looked sort of pained. I could never read him all that well but something about him seemed disappointed. He put his hands on either side of my face and got in real close, nose to nose "you'll never get through your thick skull the things I would do for you...will you?" he spoke quietly but not sinisterly. I had the urge to bring up Danny Houston...because I did know the things he would do for me out of love. I could have rubbed it in his face and seen him explode in anger. Part of me wanted to because he was already agitated and I knew it would push him over but I didn't. I stood there with my head buzzing with his face just a few inches from mine. I leaned my head back against the wall and he just stayed there in front of me. I could've pushed by him, I could have started a fight but instead I just kept my eyes closed. I just needed a minute, thinking about all this stuff with us never did me any good. Being with him always felt like falling off a cliff, the rush, the fear and the fact that you knew by the end of it you'd be impaled on the rocks below. I felt unsteady, and angry about feeling this way, I wanted to hit him or do something. My fists were balled up at my sides when I felt his lips press against mine lightly. I could feel his breath on my face as he pulled away. My eyes popped open to see his head cocked inquisitively, eyes searching my face pausing on my lips. He leaned in for another kiss, his hands reaching to touch my face. I turned away. I didn't look at him but he stopped and sighed. I started to slide by him but he gently took my hand in his. He rubbed his thumb in a circular motion inside my palm. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him but I knew he was looking at me, just waiting for me to cave...like stalking prey.

He tugged at my hand ever so slightly to suggest we leave the entryway. All my nerves were on fire and I could barely concentrate but I followed him anyway. My mind never worked right around Brendan, I never seemed to really make decisions, it was like these odd reflexes would take over and my body would just react pulling me away from or into his arms depending on the day, while my head didn't catch up til much later. He lead the way down a hallway with his hand stretched behind him to meet and to keep a hold of mine as we slowly made our way to his bedroom. Once we got inside he while never letting go of my hand turned to face me and sat on the edge the bed pulling me so that I was standing a foot or so away from him with our arms stretched to meet each others across the space between where our bodies stood. It was like we were tied together unable to escape from the other, both unsure how to proceed but neither of us loosening our grip.

I felt embarrassed by my sudden timidness. The last time we fucked I had been fearless and defiant but tonight I stood scared of what I might feel, what I might do. I hated that fear had crept back into my life after years of feeling like there was nothing to lose. He was the only person on the planet that could make me feel that way. Sensing that I wasn't going to cross that gap between us he stood back up stepping towards me until our bodies touched. He finally let go of my hand. There was a vulnerability in suddenly losing the warmth of his hand against mine. He gripped my face not harshly but firmly giving me a peck on the lips. He leaned back to look me over, then kissed me lightly again. Then again he searched me before kissing me more deeply. His tongue devoured my mouth with a hunger that I had forgotten how much I missed. His lips were always softer then you'd think. His hands were softer then anyone would expect as well for a man so gruff. His slender graceful fingers crept there way under my shirt while our tongues continued to play. He walked me backwards to his bed and flopped us both down on it with him on top. I chuckled a little at being flung. I propped myself up on my elbows and he got on his knees and took his shirt off. I watched him...and he watched me watching him with a cocky grin. He turned me on, that was no secret even in the worst of times the lust between us would still take over. He was completely undressed before I even got my shirt off. He pressed me down so I was laying flat on the bed and helped me out of the rest of my clothes pulling my trousers and pants off all at once. The suddenness of being exposed was an odd feeling considering how slow and still things had begun. He smoothed his hands up the sides of my chest and back down resting on my hips then gripping them and scooting me closer to him. He tickled the tip of his fingers along the the trail of hair beneath my naval before running his hands over my belly then to my chest where he encircled my nipples with his thumbs. I looked so pale next to him, his white Irish skin wasn't exactly tan but I was still so much lighter than him. I felt dumb being so passive, I didn't reach for him or make any move at all towards him. I just watched his fingers dance along my skin the contrast in our coloring making it look as if my body was a stage for him to play on. He stopped to reach inside his nightstand for some essentials on his way back he caught my mouth with a kiss letting it turn deeper, digging his fingers into my hair before letting one hand make its way down to cup my ass. He laid kisses on my neck and down my chest. He stopped to look me in the eye putting my face in his hands again so I had to look at him. I thought he might say something but he didn't. I wanted him, but I couldn't look at him that was too intimate for me right then. I could enjoy it if I didn't have to look at his face. I pushed his hands away and rolled over onto my belly looking back over my shoulder at him briefly before arching my back and pushing my ass up.

It wasn't the best idea, fucking him again. The last time had messed my head up pretty bad and I could have stopped and I could have run and maybe I wanted to a little but more of me wanted to stay, because I wanted him inside me even if I couldn't look him in the eye when he did it. He leaned above me and kissed the back of my neck trailing kisses down my spine his hand found my erection and he started pumping my cock in slow even strokes. I moaned low into a pillow. He left me to service myself briefly while he lubed me and himself up. He hooked his hands around the front of me at my hip bones and urged me up slightly to meet his cock. He ran his hands from my hips to my ass then lined himself up and slowly pushed his way inside of me. I moaned loudly at the sudden fullness and I flung my arm back wriggling my finger wildly in the air at nothing. He leaned forward laying his torso on my back steadying himself with one of his elbows on the mattress and with his other hand he intertwined his fingers with mine like he knew I wanted. It was an odd thing, wanting the tender act of holding his hand again, wanting the comfort from him when he was the one who made me so uneasy. I held his hand tightly and thrust my hips wildly underneath him while he did the same above me.

He freed himself from my hand and pushed me up onto my knees allowing him to thrust easier with more control while also allowing him to stroke my cock again. I was losing myself in the pleasure, I wasn't thinking about what would happen after. I just didn't want this part to end. I wanted to spend the rest of my life in his bed feeling this way. He was slowing down and speeding up at different intervals to prolong it while I just writhed around under him panting. It was building up, my mind was just a foggy whirl of ecstasy. I could feel myself radiating a warmth...when all of a sudden he just stopped. He stopped thrusting, he gripped my cock but stopped stroking it. I curled my hips desperately to keep it going...but he only whispered "Say it..." it was the first words spoken since we entered the bedroom, it surprised me. There had been an odd beauty in the melody of just the sounds our heavy breathing and moans, his breaking it and making some kind of request was jarring. He repeated himself still in the same hushed tone "Say it, Stephen...say it".

"I Love you" I croaked.

I wasn't even sure thats what he wanted. I could barely think I just said it but I immediately regretted it not just because I had said it but because I meant it. And I could deny it and play pretend later, but it wouldn't make any difference because in that stripped down raw moment I had told the truth and he knew it and I couldn't take it back even though I wanted to. I didn't want him to have it over me. I could hear him suck in air after he heard it. He dropped his head down so his forehead was resting on my back then he started thrusting again but not as wildly. The air had changed, the desperate need had shifted to something else. He wasn't fucking me anymore he was "making love" to me and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I buried my face into a pillow as each loving stroke and touch made me feel more and more claustrophobic. The walls were closing in on me and I could feel the odd sensation...the odd stab of tears prickling at my eyes. I hadn't cried in quite awhile and I was desperately choking them back, it was particularly distressing because I couldn't pinpoint why it was starting. I had wanted to fuck him, I wanted what was happening and yes, things got a little messy emotionally...but tears I did not expect. He sped up, we were getting to the climax...it felt good, it felt amazing I was shuddering and shaking from pleasure but also something else. I was making noises that I don't think I'd heard a human make before. My stomach hurt, my heart hurt...I felt emotionally beaten to a pulp but I was about to cum and sexually speaking I was more than content. My moans of gratification were coupled with the kind of gasping that accompanies gross sobbing. I shook as I came, letting myself melt into the mattress beneath me, tears still defiantly falling. I felt shaky and spent. He had to hold the back end of me up to finish himself off, I couldn't give him anymore he'd have to take the last bit.

He collapsed on top of me after he came. He was still inside me limp. His panting slowed down and his breathing became normal and even though I couldn't see him I knew he was above me in this afterglow while I was below him wanting to run. I felt ill and trapped and won like a prize. He had gotten his little Steven back into bed...it was a stupid thought considering it was the second time we'd fucked since I'd been back in town but this time was different. I even felt like who I was, the part of me that had lied dormant was starting to fight its way back. I felt emotional and needy like I used to but awful too because I had again let someone untrustworthy have me. It wasn't just a fuck I'd given him all of me again in those moments. The newer hardened me couldn't just shove away the bad thoughts, and the overwhelming feelings and cuddle up to him like before. I stirred beneath him, he tried rub my arm as if to sooth me but it only made me thrash under him, I wanted him out of me. I felt like I was drowning and I violently thrashed until he jumped off of me springing to the other side of the bed. He sat straight up and alert.

"What...whats wrong?" he staggered. I'd never seen him look so surprised. I didn't answer him. He reached over to turn my face his way. I was embarrassed because I knew he saw my eyes red and watery. I shook his hand away and he pulled it back quickly.

"What happened?" he asked perplexed. His face so sullen I nearly felt bad. The boy in me wanted to take it back, hug him and tell him I just got confused but the broken man in me wanted to burn everything to the ground.

He wanted me to stay. He would never beg me to stay but he wanted to not that it would have mattered if he had. I grabbed my clothes or most of them and left slamming the door behind me.

I wandered around town for a few hours with my mind still spinning. I wanted to get high or drunk but I was tapped out moneywise. And that's when I remembered Warrens offer to make a little extra cash. I called him and he set a deal up for me that very night.

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"You're looking rough, You all right?" Warren asked with what sounded like sincerity.

"Yeah, fine...just tell me where to go." I wasn't in the mood to play friends with him. I wanted to do the job and get paid. I plopped down heavily onto his sofa. He sat beside me running through the whole job. He told me how easy it would all go down.

"Seriously, mate...you alright to do this? Your not looking in top shape y'know?"

"Yeah, I know...rough night is all"

There was a pause and then he rest his hand on my knee and squeezed. He scooted closer to me.

"After your done come back to mine, yeah?" He said so low he was practically whispering. I didn't know why he was whispering there was no one else there but it made it sound more dramatic.

"For your cut?"

"And a drink or whatever...looks like you could use one."

"Yeah, I guess I could."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N : you guys might hate this chapter...but its building up to stuff in later chapters. and i thought it reinforced mental state. hit me up in the reviews if you think its awful or not.

Chapter 9

The sound of my mobile buzzing across the coffee table and crashing down next to where I was asleep on the floor woke me from my drunken slumber. I rubbed at my eyes furiously wiping the sleep away knowing before I even looked at my phone who was calling. I hadn't gone back to Amy's the night before. I didn't answer her call, I felt badly about it because I knew she was worried but I couldn't tell her the truth about where I was or what I'd done and it was too early in the morning to lie. Barely anything about the previous night seemed real, not the sickly bit with Brendan where I told him I loved him, or the drug dealing or coming back to Warrens for a drink and having a laugh or the part where he fucked me silly and I fell asleep on his dirty rug.

I used to make all these judgments about things as to what was right and what was wrong. Live right, make something of yourself, don't fuck around too much, don't do drugs, etc...all these little rules filled every minute of my life, every decision I made. I had been living to make two tiny people proud of me. But now those sorts of rules didn't seem so important anymore. I chuckled softly to myself at the thought of what the old me would have done if he were in this situation. He'd probably bolt out of Warren's place twitching and feeling bad about himself, or really he wouldn't have fucked around with Warren at all ... but for certain I knew he wouldn't have sat about Warrens flat naked from the waist down smoking a joint the morning after. But I felt more at home in the filth, there was something so easy about it.

I wasn't into Warren sexually. I had never found him attractive, I still didn't even after...even during, actually. Not to say I thought he was repulsive either when I could have, a lot of people thought that about him and they didn't necessarily think that about him because of awful things he might have done either. It wasn't a plus, but really Warren had gotten a bit rounder and older and then all the shit Mitzeee said made him seem uglier to people. But a few years ago he wasn't so badly thought of attractiveness wise, there were still girls in the village willing to fuck the bad boy. He wasn't really all that old but he seemed it for some reason, passing from bad boy into dirty old man which was far less attractive to most. But I didn't care about that sort of thing, I looked through most everyone, all my sex partners had to be was what I needed for the night, anything else wasn't really noted. And that was sort of true with Warren as well. I hadn't planned on hooking up with him. I hadn't even really believed he swung that way until it was clear he did.

We were having a few drinks together. It was odd to be in his home drinking with him and having a laugh. It wasn't as if that was a normal occurrence in and of itself then we "tested" a little product together. I remember laughing about something stupid. I was laughing so hard I was gasping for air, the kind of laugh that ends up hurting. I was buzzed and just as I was catching my breath he said to me in a low breathy voice "let me fuck you". The simplicity of it was kind of amazing. There was no lead up, he'd never flirted with me before but then just out of nowhere this quiet, direct request. Even drunk I was a little shocked by it. I nodded yes in reply to him. I don't remember the thought process that got me to yes, I wasn't aching for him, and even with my laxed morals I had a glimmer of an idea that it wouldn't sit well with people like Brendan or Amy and that lying about it and all that would be a hassle. But even still I slipped on to my knees in the space between his sofa and his coffee table. He slipped down behind me. I unzipped my jeans and he pulled them down to the bend of my knees. I could hear him unzip himself. He shoved my shirt up so that it was pushed up under my armpits and rubbed his hand down my spine and to my ass. He lingered there spreading me and then I could feel him spit directly into the crack of my ass. Then he used his fingers to direct his spit, pushing the tip of his finger into me a bit to try to make it slick but he was in a hurry. He gave my ass a lick, not a rim job just one big lick. He fumbled to get a condom on and then he was in me, thrusting like a mad man. My stomach was shoved up against the coffee table until he slammed in harder which pushed the table away from my grasp causing me to steady myself with one arm on the floor which he liked so he shoved the coffee table further away so I would be completely on all fours. I rested my forehead down against the cold floor letting myself feel the hard deep thrusts. I didn't get hard as quickly as normal, maybe because of the suddenness of it all...or all the drinking or that my emotional state was a bit wonky that night in general. But I got there, He had cum but he stayed in while I jerked myself off...I guess like as a courtesy or something. He wasn't premature like Mitzeee had mentioned, just basic. He didn't blow me or pump my cock. He took care of himself and I took care of me and that was that.

I liked having been with Warren only a few hours after being with Brendan. It felt like I was washing what happened with Brendan off of me. Sleeping with Brendan had taken me to this sickening vulnerable place. I felt exposed and fragile. But being shoved down and fucked hard didn't feel weak. It wasn't making love it was harsh and quick and satisfying. In truth, Warren could have been any guy but I did wonder if in the back of my drug addled brain if it hadn't appealed to me slightly that Warren was Brendan's sort of enemy. Not that I ever planned on telling him about me and Warren's weird romp not out of respect for Brendan's feelings, I just didn't feel like being bothered about it.

Warren was lying on his now inexplicably cushionless sofa dead asleep and completely nude. I sat back and watched him breath. I was fascinated by the way his extended belly rose and expanded so big when he inhaled. I had the odd urge to lay my head on his stomach and ride the up and down of his perfectly doughy belly. I was convinced his rhythmic breathing would rock me to sleep. I was pretty sure he would react badly if I had tried, but worse would be if he actually liked it. I could easily dismiss sex as just a primal urge but I'd be forced to see consensual belly cuddling as affection.

I hung around his flat all morning. I was in no rush to go back to Amy's, and I wasn't much in the mood to run into anyone in the village. The thought of going in to work that night and seeing Brendan made me incredibly uneasy. Warren had eventually woke up at noon, scratched himself, gave me a nod and then went to shower. He told me he had to get to the club. He raised his eyebrows and asked if I'd be in later. I looked away and told him I wasn't sure. I joked that surely last nights work earned me a day off with pay.

"Yeah, maybe so..." he pondered, adding "is that how it worked with Brendan?" He sounded curious but there was an edge to voice. I didn't quite know if it was a dig or if there was some double meaning in his words.

"No...he didn't like me to take days off."

"Right." he nodded "makes sense..."

He told me I could hang around his place as long as I locked the door behind me when I left. He added that he'd know if I stole something...he may have been kidding but chances were he wasn't.

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I didn't know what it was that kept me at Warren's house. I kept telling myself I needed to go. I had responsibilities. I was meant to look after Amy but I felt like for as long as I stayed at Warren's everything that happened there stayed contained. Leaving would start questions and it wasn't so much the sex, the drugs or Brendan, mostly it was the incredible feeling of imbalance I had. I knew I looked off, I felt off. She'd see and I couldn't handle it. And with every passing hour there would be more to explain. If I had waltzed in at 4am Lee and Amy would've assumed I pulled and had a late night and there would be no more to explain. But now rolling into late evening it felt impossible to talk around it. I couldn't look at Amy's disappointed face. I had seen it a million times and I couldn't stomach still seeing that face. She had a set of morals that were different than mine and I should have been able to move on from feeling so fucking guilty about how she would take things.

I didn't grow up the way she did. Her parents weren't perfect but they tried to teach her right from wrong, they cared where she went at night. They loved her and she knew that. My mother wished I was never born and sometimes I felt like my step father tried to beat me away. I knew hitting Amy was wrong but the rest of the stuff- the stealing and lying and everything else I was always blurry on. She was the first person to teach me, really make me understand how normal people were supposed to be. And as hard as it was after Lucas was born, I made her proud. I excelled at taking care of him even when she couldn't. I cherished her pride, I liked living up to her expectations. I wanted to be a good man for my kids but I'd be lying if I said the gold stars from Amy hadn't been important too. So I sat at Warrens knowing she'd worry, but I got high and watched cartoons until evening anyway.

It got to be around the time I was meant to be at work. Warren had sort of given me a pass but I couldn't sit at his place anymore. I needed to move and I was starting to feel numb enough to attempt work, it was something to do and if it was busy I might be able to avoid thinking too much. On my way to Chez Chez I banged out a text message to Amy that simply read "I'm not dead", it read callous and I knew she'd be pissed at me but I sent it anyway because I had to do something. I really had meant to call or go back to her place but I couldn't bring myself to and it had gotten so late that neither one of those things would have went over much better anyway.

I grabbed a spare Chez Chez t-shirt from the back and got to work behind the bar. The place was packed which was a relief. An hour into my shift I felt someone sweep behind me letting their hand glide across my ass and linger there for half a second. I turned around to see Warren sinisterly grinning at me.

"Hey there _lover._" he teased. I mock laughed at him in reply.

"I got another job for ya tomorrow. You up for it?" he asked after a moment.

"Suppose so" I answered. I had done it once, there was no use turning down good money. Handing a package to some guy had gone as easily as Warren had said.

"We'll talk more about it tomorrow after your shift, alright?"

"Is this a private party or can anyone join" Brendan hissed from behind us. He had always had a talent for sneaking up on people.

"You know you're always welcome, _partner_" Warren emphasized the word partner knowing Brendan still never liked having to share the business with him. Brendan wasn't in the mood to bicker with Warren though. He ignored him choosing to keep his icy glare on me.

"Office, now." he ordered.

"No." I stated in quiet defiance. I didn't give a reason I just didn't want to go to his office. I wasn't scared of him hurting me. I just couldn't imagine any conversation he'd want to have at that moment being one that I'd want to be apart of.

He did his head tilt move, staring at me with a bit of a snarl.

"What?" he roared before shoving me back hard against the bar. The edge dug into my back.

"Where the fuck have you been?" he emphasized each syllable with a shove. His shouts started to attract some attention as all the patrons seated around the bar started to stare at us open mouthed. I didn't know what to say so I did as I usually did and refused to make eye contact. He grabbed my face and ordered that I look at him. Anger swelled in his voice and I did what he wanted. When my eyes locked with his I noticed that his eyes didn't match his tone he looked desperate and tired rather than irate. He rifled through my pockets until he found my mobile. He grabbed it and pulled up the list of missed calls. His and Amy's names appeared over and over...dozens of missed calls. He held the phone up about an inch from my face. He didn't say anything he didn't need to before he shoved the phone harshly into my cheekbone then let it go to crash to the floor.

"I don't know what you're on about."

"You run out of my flat crying like a bitch and then fuck off without telling anyone and you don't know what I'm_ 'on about' _? Are you honestly that fucking stupid?" He shouted. I bristled at being called 'stupid'. It was a sensitivity I'd had since I was a kid and it refused to ease up in my adulthood. The word came with a lot of baggage. I could hear my parents, teachers, the kids in the schoolyard all echoing behind him. I was too pissed off to sympathize with whatever anxiety I'd apparently caused him. I wanted to tear into him not only for calling me stupid but I was tired of being raged at. And it wasn't like he hadn't done a runner before...and for longer than a day.

"Oh what were you worried, Brendan? Thats so sweet" Each word I spat dripped with a venomous sourness. I could feel the heat in my face, in my eyes. He slammed his hand down onto the bar. I was ready for a fight. This wasn't like back in the early days. He wasn't going to get to just punch me in the gut and watch me fall to the ground. I might not win in a fight against Brendan but I wouldn't let him off easy and I wouldn't fight fair. I braced myself for the fury I thought he was bound to unleash but he only took a step away from me and sighed.

"Right, why would anyone worry about you..." He sounded suddenly resigned. Then without another word he walked out from behind the bar. I was a little let down. Its not that I loved to fight but he had wound me up and I found myself left with a frustration and no outlet to release it.

"Jesus, fucking drama queen..." Warren muttered before instructing me to give free drinks to a few of the people seated around the bar who had sat through Brendan's display.

I had barely gotten back to work before Lynsey marched up to the bar insisting we have a talk.

"No, go ahead...not like we need anyone to actually do any fuckin' work 'round here." Warren griped.

"Look, Lyns, I don't have time for another chat about Brendan alright, just keep your nose out."

"I'm not leaving 'til you talk to me." she stated firmly.

"Fine, you've got 5 minutes, alright?"

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I could see that Lynsey was upset. As she paced in front of Chez Chez searching for the the right words. I didn't have anything against Lynsey personally and I thought it actually rather sweet that Brendan had such a protective friend. It reminded me of what I had with Amy. Amy would fight for me til the death, she'd gone hundreds of rounds with Brendan on my behalf but even still I stood staring at Lynsey angry at what I knew would be some sort of long winded Brendan sympathizer speech.

"He believed you, you know?"

"huh?"

"He believed Warren had something to do with what happened to your kids and by extension he played a role in it"

"He's well over that idea now"

"It ripped him apart Ste..."

"Yeah, well...you want me to do what about it?"

"...it almost killed him, he almost killed Warren. They warred over what happened. It was ugly, and he pushed for answers, he drove himself crazy trying to get an answer..."

"To absolve himself...to make himself feel better..."

"No...for you...he wanted to know for you. You weren't here, no one thought you'd ever come back but he still never stopped searching until he exhausted every possibility."

"So whats your point...that he loves me? Because he loved me back when he fucked with my head, he loved me when he smacked me around. No matter what we feel we don't work together. I'm not interested in being with him"

"Then why do you keep coming around? Messing him about?"

"Oh, fuck you...I mess him about? Thats a huge laugh."

"You didn't have to go to him for a job. You didn't have to come 'round to ask him about whatever...you didn't have to come looking for him at Chez Chez when you first got back to town...but ya did."

"I thought you were the one who thought He and I could 'help each other'"

"I was wrong...you're making him worse. And he can't backslide after he's come so far."

"Backslide from what? Your telling me he's a model citizen now? And I am some how making Brendan..._Brendan _... the drug dealing mobster backslide?"

"I'm not saying he's perfect but he got himself to a place that was good for him, and his kids. He got help and..."

"Help? Like therapy? Come on..."

"Some...but thats not it. He hit rock bottom...he hit Declan...just once but it was bad...it got bad with Eileen. He pushed everyone away...and he had to work really hard to get those kids back, to prove himself to them. And he can't unravel now...he just got them back, he just got to a good place. Then hurricane Ste comes through and he's drinking too much and anxious and its not good for him."

I understood the weight of what she was saying. Brendan had hit one of his kids. That was a big deal and even though I may have implied it could happen when I was angry with him back in the day I never thought it really would. He didn't just love his kids, he adored them, he was a completely different man around them and it wasn't an act. Well, he did play pretend a little bit but the joy they gave him, the pride would swell inside him and you could almost see him glowing when he was with them. I could grasp that he was in a bad way if he laid a finger on his kids. And I knew any mood that resulted in that meant he had to have been generally pretty awful to everyone else in his life. I could see why she'd be concerned but I didn't like being blamed.

"You know, Brendan doesn't have the corner on pain, Lynsey. I've not had the best couple years either." I responded. I didn't know what to say and I hadn't meant to sound like she ought to pity me, that was never what I was after but if she were handing out pity parties I for damn sure was owed one over Brendan.

"...but everyone knows your stronger than him" she replied without a hint of sarcasm. I stood in a stunned silence. I couldn't think of anyone who'd have agreed with her. Before I left town I had been the perpetual victim with a penchant for getting over emotional. And I wasn't so much stronger now as I was numb most of the time. No one would say skinny wimpy Ste Hay was stronger than skull busting, powerhouse Brendan Brady. People feared him, the minute he walked in a room he commanded attention. He was powerful in a way I could never be.

"he didn't push everyone away did he...i mean you married him." I said in an attempt to change the subject.

"He didn't abandon me. It wasn't easy being stalked by a serial killer...I wasn't quite right for awhile and he always stuck by me...so he couldn't get rid of me when he needed someone."

"Why'd you marry him though?" I asked curiosity getting the better of me

"He needed me to. It made him look more stable and Eileen wasn't fond of him being gay either so it just worked out."

"You know, even after all thats happened...I am glad he and his kids are good now." And I genuinely was.

"...what happened didn't just happen to you. I'm not trying to say its the same for him as it is for you...but he's suffered too."

There was something maddening about hearing how much someone else had suffered from the loss of _my_ children. I wanted badly to say something shitty to Lynsey, yell in her face for dragging me out of work to tell me this shit because it wasn't fair of her. It wasn't fair to tell me how he crumbled after I left. It wasn't fair to pin his mental state on me. Brendan was always so careful to be the one on top, the older brother, the know it all. He didn't do vulnerable or not often anyway, he never asked for my advice on anything ever, he never wanted my shoulder to cry on even after he got out of pretty prison all banged up. How did she expect me to care about him when whenever I had in the past I was mocked for it? I hated that she stood there icing over all he'd done, all he was, all that had happened. And as much as I wanted to crush her for being Brendan's minion what I saw in her face wasn't anger or bitchiness it was fear. She was genuinely scared for Brendan and grasping at straws, she didn't want to get involved, not really. I could see her unease, she thought she had to, that telling me this was necessary to save her friend and I couldn't lay into her.

She was desperate for me to fix him, she thought I was the key to something that his whole mental state revolved around my staying or leaving. I couldn't care about him the way she wanted me to, not again, definitely not now anyway. I was drawn to him, denying that after all I'd done would be stupid and I didn't know what it all meant but I did know I wouldn't carry his burden along with mine no matter how badly she thought he needed me to.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry for the delays in updates. I will without a doubt finish this story...just sometimes the updates may only be once a month or so, tho my chapters are kinda long...so theres that at least. Thank you to anyone whose had an interest in this.

Chapter 10

"How about Hayden...or Kirste?"

"yeah, sounds great..." I sighed barely having paid attention to what was asked. I pacified all baby name questions with those exact same words never pausing to ponder if I actually liked the names she puposed. She could have said anything, she could have asked if she should name her kid 'sex monkey' and I'd have replied the same exact way. I'd even been dragged into baby name related fights between Amy and Lee. With Amy triumphantly declaring I had agreed with whatever name she liked and had adored it as well. I'd nod along, because I may not have known what I agreed to but I was going to always side with Amy over Lee on any matter anyway.

"So you like the sound of HAYden and KirSTE, STEven HAY?"

"Oh God...Ames do not name your child after me it'll be cursed for life"

"Oh come on Ste, I want you to be a part of this..."

"Look at me, I'm sat here rubbing your feet and making you sandwiches...I'm apart of it"

Outside of revealing that I slept with Brendan the night she was in the hospital, I'd been really careful not to mention the questionable things I'd done since. My going missing for a day threatened to ruin the wellness facade I'd been trying to weave for her. I spun a lie about getting drunk and falling asleep in the park to explain my having gone missing. She didn't really believe me or at least if she did she thought I was leaving chunks of the story out but she eventually gave up pressing for the details. I knew I had worried her, and years ago she'd have laid into me about how inconsiderate it was of me to not have called. But now she only merely said she was pleased I was alright and never mentioned it again. I was apparently too delicate to yell at now and I couldn't decide if I liked being let off the hook or not. It was like we both were playing our own game of pretend. I was pretending to be well so she wouldn't have to worry. While she would pretend to be easygoing when she really was worried or disappointed. And we both could see through the other but we continued to pretend anyway. She may not have known the specifics of the things I did or thought about but she could see something wasn't right no matter how many jokes I told or huge smiles I flashed to throw her off the scent. I could see that it bothered her more than she'd admit that I wasn't better off than I was. I could tell sometimes by the pitiful half smile she gave me that she was beginning to think I was a lost cause.

There was a desperation coming from her, it was muted and hidden but it was there rapidly boiling under the surface. It was almost like we were connected, like we shared a heart or a stomach or some other body part that would sound more poetic in a metaphor...and if she didn't take care of me, mend my heart, or feed me, she would starve broken hearted as well. She needed me to be ok, I felt like I was the last piece of her past that needed mending before her new life was to begin.

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"So...how many times you figure you and Brendan fucked in here?" Warren asked while we lounged around the Chez Chez office recovering from a particularly aggressive oral sex session.

"You mean this office or...the whole building...cause I can't be sure...just you know...a lot..." I answered distractedly while I stared into the bottom of a coffee mug in which Warren had spit my spunk into after I came in his mouth. It struck me as an almost dainty move not to just swallow. He had put my cock in his mouth, he had let me come in his mouth...but swallowing was offensive or disagreeable some how? I always swallowed seemed like the courteous thing to do.

Its not that we'd fucked a lot, really just 4 or 5 times but it felt like most things felt in life for me...conflicting. After we'd fucked the second time I knew it was all a game for him. Not that I thought the first time had occurred because of pure loving reasons but I had thought it maybe just a random happening resulting in my weeks long "get to know Warren" spell but it was turning out to be more of a pissing contest than anything else.

I hadn't by the way really gotten to know him. I pretty much believed him innocent of setting the fire but I maybe believed it more because I had to. As carefree as I wanted to be fucking a man that might've done something that bad was too far even for me to go. I really did think I saw a shred of decency in him though, enough to come to the conclusion that he wouldn't intentionally murder children.

I guess what I saw was a vulnerability in him, a need he couldn't control. I came to that conclusion after he started asking me intensely personal questions about Brendan after we finished fucking. A lot of them were strategic I supposed...his weaknesses and what not...but most of them were just dirty, dirty sex questions. Stuff like how big was Brendan's cock, or about his blow job technique. At first he tried to be subtle, asked almost matter of factly but after I answered him with seemingly no judgment it just opened the floodgates.

I only ever occasionally answered his questions truthfully though. I'd make the lies bigger and bigger and he'd just drink them in. Warren was a naturally suspicious guy but for some reason illicit Brendan details turned his ability to detect bullshit off. It was sort of fun if I'm honest. He would ask so intently and I'd sit their and spin him a yarn. It was like the dirtiest story time on the planet but it made me see him as helplessly obsessed and maybe an envious slave to this grudge. It wasn't a side to it I'd have ever seen before, but I guess that was one thing I learned about him.

"Do ya think of him when your with me?" he asked during our current round of post coital interrogation.

"No" I answered and that time I wasn't lying. I couldn't tell if the answer pleased him or not. He didn't feel anything like Brendan. Brendan may have been a selfish sack of shit sometimes but he adored me when we fucked. He would take me hard and passionately and sometimes he would seem almost crazed but there was still always this feeling of complete fixation, like the way his hands smoothed their way reverently across my skin. Warren was just copping a feel and getting off...maybe he thought of Brendan when we fucked but I couldn't do the same cause I'd had the real thing.

He stood up and got dressed, gave me the details of a drop I was to make that night then went behind the desk and shuffled papers around.

"Ya better get going" He urged like we hadn't just did what we had done. But there was an honesty in his lack of sentimentality that I liked because I felt it too, I just maybe wasn't so gruff about it.

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Things had not gone well. A simple transaction for Warren had gone from easy money to my having to talk my way out of well...God only knows how far it would have gone.

"Warren!" I shouted nearly breathlessly through a deserted Chez Chez. I could feel my legs shaking as I tore through the club making my way to the office. I couldn't decide if I was scared or exhilarated. I'd be lying if I didn't say getting away from those guys alive hadn't been kind of a rush.

I fumbled into the office but Warren wasn't sat there like before I left for the night, instead it was Brendan's intrigued eyes that were set upon me. I wanted to turn around...pretend it was nothing and set off to find Warren but I knew he wouldn't let me after seeing the state of me.

"What happened?" he asked standing up from behind his desk. He walked towards me his head tilted in interest. I regretted having shouted Warrens name with so much purpose. Brendan would have been curious to know why I had a swollen face and shaky hands anyway but the implication that Warren had info he didn't sent him into overdrive.

"Where's Warren?" I replied knowing he wouldn't answer.

"Tell me what happened to ya." He demanded more forcefully pointing at my bruised face. I tried to think of a lie any lie. I could have said I'd fallen or that I got in a fight but I couldn't focus enough to think of one.

"My mobile...it's broke..." I finally mumbled as I held the pieces out to him mindlessly. He eyed them curiously and with a puzzled look took them from me and gingerly placed them on the desk. He looked back to me as if this small gesture had proven something.

"Are you alright? Who did this?" he asked much more forcefully but not without concern.

"Just a few punches...its ok" I stated absently before repeating once more "its ok" saying it more to myself then to him. I started to wander out of the office as if I had adequately explained myself but Brendan wasn't about to let me leave so easily. I felt his hand grip my forearm as he jerked me back to face him, not too harshly but with enough force to suggest I wasn't to leave.

"Whats going on and whats Foxy to do with it?"

I didn't answer him because I didn't quite know how to best approach the subject. He would be pissed to know I started dealing for Warren and I would have to worry or be bothered with how he handled it. I'd have to worry about how Warren would react and it all just seemed exhausting...I was exhausted just thinking of the words to say so I plopped down heavily onto the sofa and looked up at him blankly. He watched me growing more curious and a bit irritated with my avoidance.

"Jesus, kid. What is it with you that you can't answer a simple fucking question now? It doesn't have to be this fucking hard?" he growled.

I snorted in reply and had to stifle my laughter. He never gave me straight answers ever about anything...he would hand me riddles and say stupid angry things but look at me with those big eyes expecting me to decipher that what he meant was the opposite of what he had said. Me being the more difficult of the two of us seemed absurdly laughable. He didn't understand though, he stared lamely at me as I eventually let myself laugh almost maniacally at him. He knelt down in front me with a worried expression spreading across his face which only made me laugh harder.

"Did you take something tonight?" he asked sounding like he was imitating a concerned teacher from an after school special which was vaguely funny but also affecting. His attempt to be soft spoken went straight to that bit in me that had always wanted him to scoop me up and care for me.

"I'm hurt...I'm wired...I just need...I don't know..."

"What?" he asked moving to sit close to me on the couch.

"just for tonight...maybe we could just be nice to each other...just let everything go and just be nice." I nearly whined, it was almost pathetic. He put his hands up indicating he didn't know what the fuck was going on.

I twisted around and scooted myself on top of him, straddling his legs. I wanted to kiss him badly, I wanted to just not think or be asked questions. I wanted him to just take me. He ran his fingers through my hair before resting both hands on my face. I leaned in to kiss him. I wanted one of those hungry kisses but he held my face still, leaned in and just laid a peck on my forehead.

"Steven I won't be mad at ya. Just what are ya doin' for Foxy? Huh? Is it drugs?" he whispered calmly, not so easily giving up on his quest for answers. But what was meant to sooth me into a confession started a fire in my belly.

"Why wouldn't you be mad at me?" I asked indignantly. "You told me not to deal, and I went to Warren behind your back and asked him if I could deal for him...and you're cool with that?"

"No...but I'll sort it with him alright, if you need money I'll sort that too...alright...you just need..."

"I need what? You're not mad at me because you think I was just a little lamb led to darkness by Warren?" I asked agitated.

"No...I think your not yourself right now...I think Warrens using that to get at me...I told him not to-"

"I asked him for this!" I shouted.

"He and I had an agreement not to fuck with each others families."

"Its my fault...blame me." I hopped off his lap, irritated at being treated like an idiotic child.

"Fine, I blame you...is that better?" he asked sarcastically, adding "now what happened to this lets be nice to each other business?" he stood up and reached his hands out to grab at my hips. He lifted my shirt up inspecting an ugly bruise forming then bent down low and lightly kissed my swollen abdomen.

"And working for Foxy...got you hurt tonight?" he asked looking up at me.

"Yeah..." I answered resigned. I could have told him the ins and outs of it all, how Warren probably didn't know it would happen. In fact he still needed a warning but 'yeah' was all I could muster.

He thought he had me in the palm of his hand and that he would just kiss and manipulate me into doing whatever it was that he wanted. He was being charming and smooth and he could always access that part of me that was a sucker for his soft side. I was briefly taken in as I let him gingerly kiss my belly and then up to my chest. I let him steer me back to the couch. Something didn't feel right though, the feeling of having been dismissed and placated still bothered me. The thought of still being the pliable little boy he could get whatever he wanted from began to sour the warmth of his touch.

"You should be mad at me..." I insisted.

"I'm not..."

"I fucked him..."

"Who...Foxy?" he laughed. "No you didn't" he dismissed.

"I did though...more than once. We did it here." I stated firmly.

"Stop...why are you..." he looked disturbed and confused by my claim. He stood upright holding his hands up as if he could physically make the words I was saying stop.

"The first time...Brendan...was only hours after that last time with you"

He cringed but said nothing. I could see the storm clouds gathering behind his eyes. I could see the explosion building. It made me sick with anticipation but also relieved because I knew something like this would blow us apart for good. And there was something sickly exciting about being on the cusp of such a freedom.

"He's not as gentle as you but...it felt good you know...it felt really fucking good, Brendan. You go, you ask him...because the first night I dealt for him I went back to his place and he bent me over his coffee table and rode me...and I don't feel-"

"Shut up...alright just _shut_ up!" He screamed and I knew got him.

I could see him reeling. I could see the thought of it taking hold in his head. He rubbed at his forehead furiously and paced the office bewildered and angry. It was deathly quiet, so much so I could barely breath. The air felt heavier, the whole room even seemed darker which was impossible but it did. I didn't expect silence and it felt more ominous than if he had just screamed at me. He leaned down and gripped the edges of his desk with his back towards me with his shoulders tensed and his breathing heavy. I could have left, but I didn't. I knew the darkness was building, the demon in him would have to be released because Brendan raged at the world and considered the consequences later that was who he was. He was brilliant and clever but only after the damage was done...so I waited because I wanted his wrath. I knew it didn't make sense to want his comfort one minute then his hate the next but even before I was so fucked up that was always what we did. Cat and mouse games were the only thing permanent about us...but I didn't want to play games anymore, they were nauseating and tiring. This last round had to kill any and all fondness, I had to stand there and take all of what was coming so I could finally starve us both of this lingering obnoxious affection between us.

This primal unearthly roar cut through the silence. He slammed his fists down on the desk and then he did it again both times so hard it rattled the floor. He continued roaring like a wild animal as he violently shoved his desk on to its side. Papers flew everywhere and in a flurry of confusion and violence he stomped through the room throwing and thrashing leaving the contents of his office broken and battered. He never touched me though, he didn't even look at me but I stood waiting for my turn.

"I didn't know you were this far gone..." he croaked, hoarse from all his screaming. He didn't sound angry, just sad. It wasn't what I was expecting, it wasn't what I wanted.

I knew my admission would sting, maybe I knew it would torture him to hear, but after I let it go, after I flung the truth at him it started to lose its meaning to me. Maybe sex didn't have to have so much over us. It doesn't always have to mean something. Warren and I used each other, and we fucked and that was it, it didn't produce anything harmful. All it was was two people rubbing against each other. It was one part entering another it could seem almost mechanical in the right light. None of it meant anything but yet here we were both feeling almost sick over this meaningless thing. The whole confusing mess filled my thoughts, I could barely hear him over the deafening hum growing in my head.

"STEVEN!" he raised his voice, which had to have hurt a bit, clapping his hands wildly in front of my face to regain my attention "Do you care about anything at all?"

I could hear the judgment in his voice...I could see it too and it made me uneasy. It was worse than facing his rage. I had been prepared for name calling and anger. I would have let him smack me a bit to just drive the point home but the way he looked at me now shook me. He stared at me like he could see my soul and that it was ugly and wrong. My steely stance to take all of what he had to offer started to crumble. As he looked at me wrecked and bit broken.

"How am I different from you, Brendan...huh? You do fucked up shit all the time?"

I suddenly wanted him to decide we were the same. I wanted him to be someone who understood me or right then I wanted anyone to understand me because I sure as shit didn't. I wanted him to tell me it was ok, that I was ok. I wanted him to say he knew what it was like. I needed him to explain to me how it worked, how doing these things, being this way was supposed to work.

"I don't think you ought to be on your own anymore." he spoke low and deliberately.

"I don't...I don't know what you mean..."

"I'm saying, Steven...I'll take care of ya"

"I don't need looking after..."

"Don't ya?" he asked with a quizzical cock of his head.

"No...I'm fucked up...alright, I'll own to that...but so are you. I've not done anything worse than you would do"

I guess knew it wasn't true though. Brendan popped off sure...but most of his wrongdoings were deliberate to fuck someone over or to save his own ass or get something he wanted. He didn't aimlessly wander into self ruination the way I seemed to. And the way he looked at me now like I was some sad spooked animal only proved he felt the same.

"What does it matter to you anyway? You don't give a shit what happens to you, who does what to you, right? So you stay with me in a free room, with free food, free medical..."

"Sounds cozy...like prison."

"I'm serious. You don't a give a shit about yourself...so let me look after ya, Steven."

"you just wanna control me or fuck me or both."

"I don't want to watch you get yourself killed..."

"then don't...don't watch...I'll leave after Amy has her baby...it'll be over then, ok. And we won't have to feel this shit anymore...it'll be over..."

I desperately wanted to get away from the notion of moving in with him. It was an exceedingly frightening, confusing concept. He looked deep in thought and I wondered if there was a way to appease him, take it all back. I had wanted him to turn away from me but instead it only made him want to pull me closer to him.

"I shouldn't have let you leave before..." he revealed quite seriously. I could have pretended I didn't know what he was referring to, but I did. And despite it being an unpleasant subject it seemed this whole evening had been a mine field of uncomfortable subjects.

"You couldn't have stopped me" I replied awkwardly as I nervously toyed with the hem of my shirt.

"Yeah... I could have...the day of the funeral...when you came here that morning." he said sullenly still keeping his head turned away from me. He looked almost sheepish about going down memory lane. It really wasn't something we'd done much before. We were never the type of couple to reminisce or talk over hurt feelings or any kind of feelings to be honest. And as was always the case when he got nervous it tended to make me a bit nervous, not out of fear or anything it just always made me feel strange to see his confidence shaken.

"I remember that I fell..." I added,_ though I didn't really fall so much as I collapsed on the Chez Chez floor the morning before the funeral. I only vaguely remembered going there to tell him to stay away but I suppose I knew even then that was a veiled excuse. Amy had been wailing in her fathers arms since he'd arrived and I couldn't hang around it anymore. I probably just wanted someone to scream at because I was incredibly angry that morning at everything, angry really at every fucking detail of my life but when I got there and I saw him I didn't say a word. I couldn't find one word to say, I couldn't even find the strength to remain standing. I was in my suit already, I was hours away from putting my kids to rest but his ashen, sad face is what drove me out of any denials I had left that morning and I dropped to my knees in front of him._

"Yeah...yeah... I told you I'd help you stand..." _And he had after he had immediately dropped down next to me. All I could manage to gasp was 'I can't do this', he told me I had to for the kids and he was grasping for a reason why I needed to do anything for them at that point, considering there was nothing left to do. Comforting me had never been his strong point. Soft, pretty words wasn't something that made him comfortable he was more at home with the physical, well only moderately so when it came to anything sensitive._

"And I said I didn't want to..." _I couldn't stand and I didn't want to and I didn't want him to help and I didn't want to go that fucking church and see those tiny caskets. _

"I sat next to you and you let me...you hated me two days before but you let me hold on to you..." _I had closed my eyes as he pulled me to his chest, roping his arms around my waist from behind. I laid my head back to rest on his shoulder and briefly I had felt almost comforted, not that it lasted long. I got spooked and ran straight to bus station and I didn't look back...well until recently obviously._

"So? " I asked quietly, any fight left in me drifting away.

"I could've got you to stay...if I had tried harder" He said meaningfully. I could tell it had been a moment that weighed on him. You could see what could have been dance across his eyes before coming back to reality and seeing me the strung out, beaten, slightly insane, skinny little wanderer sat before him. It was a stark contrast to the perky little sprite he'd fallen for.

"Ok...so maybe you could have, maybe not. It doesn't matter now Bren...you know I'll never be what I was. I'll never be the naive kid you talked into bed forever ago...we've went over this...you can't lock me in a room and fix that, unless you got a time machine."

He let an amused chuckle "Talk you into bed? I don't recall you ever needing much convincing, do you?" he couldn't resist his darkly flirtatious side even in the most serious of times.

"Seriously ...whats the plan here? I go home with you and you fix me... How you gonna fix me, Brendan?"

"I'm not looking to control ya, Steven...I'm not. I just want to watch your back"

"What about Amy...I help her when Lee's not around...I can't just move out." I said shamelessly caving under the weight of his sincerity.

"You go there in the mornings...like I said I'm not holding you hostage. You'd have your own room...you just don't work at the club anymore, and you don't do anything with Foxy...and you don't use while you're at my flat..." he said the last part so sternly and knowingly. I hadn't counted on him knowing about all my recreational activities, or maybe he had just assumed. "Look, I'm not pretending to have all the answers, I wanna help you see clearer...that's all" he continued.

"I can't handle living with you Brendan. And you know what, you're freaking me the fuck out with this 'nice' routine. I don't know what to do with that shit. I go behind your back, then I fuck your partner on top of all the other stupid shit that's gone down and you just wanna 'watch my back', I don't get it...ok..."

"Maybe I've mellowed" he said dismissively.

"Maybe your plotting to kill me and hide me in your basement"

"I don't have a basement..." he said amused with my trepidation, also amused because I was caving and he knew he was about to get his way. Then in one incredibly swift motion he swung me around, flopped us both back down on the couch with me across his knee he gave my ass one hard swat with his open hand.

"There...you've been punished...call Amy tell her you won't be back tonight...then get yer stuff tomorrow." he said flipping me into a sitting position next to him on the couch.

"What the fuck..." I mumbled to myself in a daze before a grin spread across my face and then laughter escaped me as I collapsed back into the couch. I began to shake with laughter till my eyes teared up and when I finally looked up Brendan he was wearing that smile he got when I had profoundly amused him.

"Fine, you win..." I conceded.

He nodded his head happily and stood up like a shot and reached his hand down to help me up.

"Let's get started then."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: A shorter chapter than usual. Had intended and wrote Ch 11 as few weeks into living together but then I wrote this tid bit and decided to publish it and push the other stuff to Ch 12.

Chapter 11

If I hadn't already been emotionally drained the phone call I made to Amy telling her of my temporary living arrangements would have alone left me wilted. She pleaded with me to not do this to myself to not let "that man" back under my skin. I wanted to appease her but there was no way of knowing whether she was right or not. I couldn't assure her I would be fine at Brendan's. I couldn't tell her how it would all work out, because I didn't know. After what seemed like hours of Amy listing Brendan's bad deeds I finally wrapped up our epically long phone battle with "For fucksake Amy he's not going to murder me, I'll see you in the morning, alright?" I had raised my voice in annoyance and hung up before she could reply. Well, actually it already was morning, I had called her obscenely late which might have added to the hysteria. Everything seems more dramatic at 4am or I suppose this was properly dramatic at any hour, it was hard to tell anymore. I knew I shouldn't yell at Amy though she was only ever just looking out for me but I couldn't listen to anymore "save yourself" shit from anyone else.

"Lynsey's out" Brendan informed me when we got to his place. I chuckled to myself thinking of all the times he'd said in the past that Lynsey or Cheryl were out and how it had always been code for we could fuck for hours all over his old flat uninterrupted. But looking at him now I knew that wasn't what he meant. It wasn't code for anything, just a simple informational statement. Which was a bit of an oddity coming from Brendan who hardly ever said anything that wasn't a riddle or had a double meaning. But the man before me was tired, soulfully, physically, mentally tired. Had I alone done that to him?

"We could use her though, to look you over" He added. I didn't understand what he meant until he pointed to my face and I remembered. It had been such a long evening I had forgotten how it all started.

"Just a couple of bruises, Bren...suits me, I think" I half laughed but he didn't. He just gestured towards the guest room and told me he'd be in in a minute. I asked "why?" I meant why would he meet me in the guest room. I nearly said something sarcastic to do with his tucking me in but he shot off somewhere and left me alone to do as I was told.

I sat at the very edge of the pristinely made up guest room double bed, still a bit stoned and just waiting. I was lost in thought, though I guess not really considering I wasn't thinking of anything just staring at the walls lost in...nothingness, really. I didn't hear Brendan enter, I only noticed him when he was stood right in front of me holding out what looked to be neatly folded trackies and a t-shirt, his I assumed.

"Why don't you wash up, and change." he said nodding towards the bathroom door.

"Like a hotel"

"What?"

"A bathroom attached to the guest room...dead fancy."

A small smile crept across his face, then he cleared his throat and with that hid any trace of amusement. I hadn't meant it to be funny, I just had the sudden urge to fill the quiet space even if it happened to be with lame observations.

"Come on" he directed as he pushed open the bathroom door and started filling the sink with water before I had even stood up. I shuffled towards the the small room with my head down when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a reflection of a man in the mirror. I spun around quickly and wildly to catch a glimpse of this person I believed to be behind me but when I got turned around there was no person standing there. I stood open mouthed trying to make sense of it, who was it, why would they be here. Was it one of those guys that beat me up? I hadn't caught a good look just the hint of a man in the mirror. I turned back around catching Brendan's concerned eye.

"What happened?"

"Someone's here." I said with a degree of concern but not nearly enough for someone whose thought they've spotted an intruder. I let my eyes settle again on the mirror, on the gaunt sad figure staring back at me. I stared intensely into the empty eyes and the swelling bruised up face before me. "I'd hate to be that guy." I said with a demented smirk, still staring nearly in disbelief at myself only looking away when my fascination began to shift into a more sickly feeling at my realization.

"What are you talking about, Steven?" Brendan asked his tone somewhat exasperated.

"nothing... it's just me." I sighed quietly. I didn't try to make sense of it, and neither did he.

"No one else is gonna hurt ye, I won't let anyone..." he trailed off looking me over sadly.

I cautiously lowered myself down to sit on the ledge of the tub while the aches of the night started to set in now that the adrenaline had more fully died down.

"How bad does it hurt...where all does it hurt?" he asked. He bent down and gently placed his hand at the side of my head and urged me to look up at him. He looked my face over not that there was anything to be done, he more than anyone knew that. Swelling goes down, bruises heal and the only real fix is time.

"it's ok." I replied softly, wincing as he applied a damp cloth to my forehead wiping away a bit of dried blood from a small cut. He leaned in closer and I lolled my forehead into the crook of his arm and he sighed as it made it difficult to finish the task at hand but he let me rest on him for a few moments anyway, relaxing as he smoothed his his free hand through my hair eventually massaging his way down my neck then my back. His nimble fingers pressing into my impossibly tense muscles. I let out a moan that sounded pornier than I'd have liked. I heard a short snort escape him in response.

His fingers slipped under the hem of my shirt which made me jolt straight up at the feeling of it. I had never really been with him in this sort of way, and the storm cloud of confusion started to roll through my mind. He didn't say anything. He tugged my shirt up over my head. I felt like shit. I felt like I'd been through a grinder and I didn't know what he wanted so I stood up because I needed to not be so close to him while I tried to concentrate to think everything through what anything meant. I wasn't facing him but I could feel him approaching me. He placed his hand on my side to pull me around coincidentally also pawing at a swollen area of my abdomen

"Would you piss the fuck off, Asshole" I yelled as I swung my hands around to push him away from me, landing a shove that nearly knocekd him off his feet. I wasn't even really yelling at him, it was the night; the circumstances. I was lost and blurry eyed and the sharp sting of pain made me bark at him. I thought he might be hurt because sometimes big bad Mr. Brady would give me hurt puppy eyes at the strangest of times but not this time. He understood, I could see he understood maybe had even been waiting for it. He knew what it was like to be reactionary, to feel the come down after a fight after all the action was over and to just feel raw. It didn't really get all that much easier even though I'd been kicked around more than any person should in a lifetime, the come down was always the same.

"I was just trying to...I wasn't..." He looked at me and away several times before holding the rag out to me in defeat hoping the gesture spoke for itself.

"I know." I reassured, he nodded a few times and left me on my own. I knew he wasn't trying it on with me and I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me. I just had been looking for the ugly, and I was paranoid and all stirred up.

I slipped on the clothes he had left me, the v-neck t-shirt dipped further down my chest than was decent, and I was swimming in the trackies, and had to pull the drawstring nearly as far as it would go.

When I reentered the bedroom Brendan was sitting in the exact spot I had been on the bed, on the very edge, leaned over with his arms resting on his knees.

The covers were pulled back and a glass of water was sat on the nightstand. And I climbed in without saying word.

"Just making sure you're set up...that everything's ok"

"It's fine"

"Good, then...I'll just go..." he stammered awkwardly as slowly made his way to the door.

I shut my eyes and started to drift off into sleep but I had that feeling the feeling you have when someones watching you. I could picture him leaning against the doorway staring at me. And normally it's a jarring creepy feeling even though about a million and half movies would indicate otherwise to know or feel someones watching you while you're unconscious. But somehow just then being watched over didn't feel so bad.


	12. Chapter 12

"Remember that time in the Chez Chez loo? Remember you grabbed me and you shoved me against the wall with this force. And it was like physically we couldn't wait to find somewhere else to do it. We needed it so bad there wasn't any time to worry about anyone walking in...and you just fucked me hard...do you remember?"

"Thats not the sort of thing you forget Steven" he answered casually.

"and I just...the frenzy of it all like it almost wasn't really happening but also it was realest thing, the most basic thing that could have happened...shit then we were about to cum and I just started yelling really loud, not even like a person getting fucked just something else and you didn't stop though you jammed your hand in mouth...and it tasted like sweat, and I bit down so hard I almost drew blood...it was all so...I don't know...maybe thats all I need...to feel like that"

"That good then?" he asked his ego getting the better of him. He had been reserved and distant since I'd moved in but just then I could see his sex drive revving up despite himself.

"I saw the face of God..." Shit. I was never good at sex talk. I was more used to people flirting me out of my clothes and when I took the lead I always took the blunt approach. But I wanted to stroke his ego further, I knew thats what he liked but I over shot it and I knew it even as I was saying it and then I laughed. It broke the moment. I almost had him. I almost had the guy that longed for me back, not the guy that watched me cautiously. It wasn't just the feel good mind escape aspect that made me unhealthily fixated on sex. Sex had become the only way I liked being wanted. People around me tended to want me to be normal or who I used to be, or they wanted me to be excited about shit I couldn't care less about or they wanted me to do things, go places I didn't want to go but sex is the simplest transaction. And despite some emotional hiccups on the sex front with Brendan that had made me uncomfortable I still couldn't help wanting him at times because nobody does lust like Brendan. He has a want so strong sometimes he only had to give me the smallest of looks and it would got straight to my cock.

"I think you've had too much to drink." He finally deduced.

He was right. I had had a bit too much to drink. I started when he left for work, and some how by the time he got home I was mostly naked, and drunk and randy. I think he was mildly amused upon seeing me but it faded quickly because everything I did as of late seemed to be something to worry about. Now it wasn't fun that I was drunk and ready it was an "oh no, he's been drinking alone for hours what does it mean?" kind of thing. Lynsey didn't help matters, she was constantly in his ear. I didn't know exactly what was said but often when I came into a room they'd instantly stop talking and stare at me in that "oh no, did he hear anything we just said about him" kind of way. It made me incredibly uncomfortable to witness and part of me was curious as to what was actually being said but mostly I didn't want to know. I knew I was broken, I didn't need to hear what she or he had to say about it.

"Why don't you head to bed" he sighed. I thought about making another play for him to follow but the mood was leaving me as I watched him pretend to tidy up in an effort to avoid eye contact with me. Even though "helping" me was meant to be the point of my living with Brendan it became clear fairly early on that he didn't know how to do that. And we fell silent with each other more often than not.

He did ask about my whereabouts a lot though and he was oddly concerned with my eating habits. He always seemed to be presenting me with food that I didn't want then watched me until I'd take a few bites just to get him to stop staring. And then there was the laundry issue. I tended to rewear clothes til they stunk. It was a habit I'd acquired more recently. It saved me money on going to the laundromat and plus I had better things to do than laundry like mope or get high but Brendan couldn't handle my new unhygienic ways and he started actually doing my laundry for me. That was a mind fuck. I mean out of everything, that did my head in. Here was this guy who had seen me in some of my most private awkward, sensitive moments but just the sight of him washing and delicately folding my underwear felt uncomfortably more intimate. There was something so domesticated about the thought of him doing laundry at all. I knew he had to have done other normal household things like dust or vacuum on occasion but to actually see it was like spying a lion have an antelope around for a spot of tea. He'd always been this wild, feral thing to me, and I found myself mystified by his doing the most mundane of actions.

I woke up late the morning after my drunken night in, well I actually woke up at 7am and called Michaela and told her to stay with Amy cause I was sick, which I wasn't. I was a bit hung over but mostly I stayed in my room to avoid Brendan and the awkward having been rejected feelings. I only ventured out of my room once I knew he and also Lynsey had gone. Then I did what I usually did in the morning when when I had the place to myself. First and most importantly was a good long shower wank. The kind of shower where you let the hot water run out which you can only do when you're on your own. Then I wander around in either Lynseys or Brendans robe, depending on whoever has left theirs in the bathroom. Today I borrowed Lynseys which sad to say was a perfect fit. I suppose I could have gone about in the nude or just dried off and got dressed but there was something indecent about being completely naked in someone elses kitchen but conversely there was something almost decadent about being just almost naked and free in someone elses kitchen. Then the next thing to do was to completely avoid whatever food had been left out for me. Maybe Lynsey made it, maybe Brendan...I didn't know but I almost automatically hated anything I was meant to eat and if no one was there to watch me eat it, it definitely got binned.

I decided maybe a nip of the old aged whiskey in my tea might perk up my day when I realized the small table on which the whiskey had sat upon just last night was now completely empty, with not one bottle of alcohol in sight. "For fucksake" I said aloud to no one. It really was a gross over reaction to my having gotten drunk but thats the way it was here for the most part. Things moved from me or were left for me...people talked near me. I knew I was hard to confront, to talk to but I was starting to feel like a ghost.

As I was pondering whether to go purchase my own whiskey from the Price Slice and leave out the bottle for my housemates to see in passive aggressive retaliation a loud steady knock at the front door interrupted my plotting. I padded over to the door barefooted and absentmindedly opened it without even a glance at who it was. Before I could begin to regret my decision Warren Fox was barreling in past me almost knocking me over in the process.

"You and me have some things to discuss Ratboy" he announced before smirking and adding "nice robe."

I should have been prepared for this confrontation but I absolutely was without a doubt not prepared. I hadn't wanted to think about Warren or the war that might have been heating up as a result of my actions. So I avoided thinking about it at all.

I didn't respond to Warren right away so he looked around Brendan's place like he was touring a museum. I didn't know if he was building up suspense or if he was waiting for me to say something.

"If you're gonna do something to me why don't ya get the fuck on with it already?" I finally initiated. I wasn't trying to make a point or set him off I just wanted to get whatever was going to happen over with.

"I heard you like telling tales Rat Boy." he responded, He over emphasized "Rat Boy". I wondered if he'd close every sentence with it until I made notice of it. I never cared that he called me that not when he first started years and years ago and not now but for some reason he hammered on as if it meant anything at all to me.

"I've not said anything untrue, Warren." I countered flatly. I wasn't going to deny it or play dumb.

"You think cause your back in Brady's bed I can't touch you...that you don't still owe me, you got another thing coming, Mate."

"Owe you what?"

"As I recall you never brought me the cash from that drop."

"I don't have it and I'm not going to ask those guys for it so..." I threw my hands up letting myself trail off.

"I'm not joking with you when I say he can't protect you, Rat Boy. You'll do what I tell you...do you understand that?" by that point he was in my face and while I should have been happy not to have been beaten to a pulp the moment he walked through the door his stance and his threats were tiring. He knew I couldn't just produce money for him and he also knew whatever he asked of me I'd tell Brendan, maybe he was even counting on it. I felt like a pawn even more so than before and it pissed me off.

"So how interested do ya think Brendan would be in hearing how sexually curious you are about him?" I asked low and deliberately. I wanted him to know I remembered he let his guard down with me some of those nights. I wanted him to know I wasn't the stupid kid he thought I was, that I could see him. And I wanted him to wonder what else I might have absorbed that could be held against him.

He slammed me against the wall with all his force briefly knocking the air out of me. He grabbed my face and pulled it close to his own.

"I'm not playing games with you right now. I will kill you. Do you understand that?" he sneered.

"Do it then, go on." I taunted.

His face contorted in anger as he wrapped his hands around my throat. He squeezed hard enough for me to feel my face go red yet I could still breath. He was being forceful but there was a hold back. I knew he was capable of killing me, and that he would if he had to, but he didn't have to right then. He didn't like to be challenged though. He wanted me to cower and my refusal to do so made him reluctant to back down but I didn't care.

Warren had barely begun his intimidation dance when in strode Brendan like a knight in shining armor with impeccable timing. A little too impeccable to be honest knowing Brendan he probably had hidden cameras mounted around his flat or people watching the house or some other kind of spy shit. Either way he pulled Warren off of me, grabbed ahold of his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

"What did we say? What did we agree?" Brendan raged.

"I was just having a chat with your boy."

"That was a chat was it?"

"Your pet got mouthy..I was just teaching him a lesson." Warren mocked as he looked past Brendan and straight at me. This wasn't just between him and Brendan he wanted to rile me up and scare me.

"I'm more man than you, limp dick" I countered with the wit of a twelve year old but I was all keyed up and just felt like yelling even if he did get off on it. Before he could reply to me Brendan had already started shoving him towards the door exclaiming they'd finish their discussion elsewhere the implication being away from me.

I didn't much like being sidelined. I was deeply involved and I could handle whatever was said and I didn't like that Brendan didn't think I could. That wasn't my only problem though, my main problem was the length of time Brendan was gone. Two hours had went by and he still hadn't come back or called. And it surprised me to feel that pang in my belly, that annoying anxious feeling that went along with being worried. I hadn't really properly worried for anyone lately except for Amy but it still felt different from that. Speaking of Amy, she and Lee had left me a 3 or 4 messages I hadn't bothered to listen to yet. I had been neglecting my duties to Amy since I moved into Brendans. She just disapproved so much with my living with him it bummed me out to listen to her talk about it, not to mention she was about to pop and it made me uneasy. It was all becoming very real in a way I wasn't ready for. Rethinking my selfish anxieties over her impending birth suddenly made those four missed calls seem more significant. _I am such a fucking asshole, she's having her fucking baby and I'm too big of a cunt to even answer the phone._ I frantically called Lee who answered with a cheery "She's here!"

"And Amy...how's Amy?"

"She's amazing, both my girls are doing great." he said sounding overjoyed before quietly adding "She asking for you Ste...she's a bit hurt about you know...you not being around...it would mean a lot if you could come see her for a just a bit..."

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

As I reluctantly got myself to the hospital I thought with only a slight bitterness back to a time when Lee was the third wheel to Amy and my family. I couldn't help feeling displaced by the whole idea. Our biggest connection was gone and now she was going to have that kind of strong connection with him and I couldn't help but be stupidly jealous until I got to her room and there she was with Lee petting her hair, both beaming with a little bassinet by the side of the bed. It was quite the picture, like something you'd see in an advert and it warmed my heart. I stood in the doorway to just watch my perfect girl, my perfect Amy look happy. Not happy tempered with worry, just perfectly content.

"Ste!" she exclaimed upon seeing me. She sounded happy to see me or maybe mostly surprised.

"You did it." I said awkwardly trying to sound encouraging or say something like a normal person would say but I came up short and instead held out a bouquet of flowers to her that I had picked up in the hospital lobby before leaning down and nearly squeezing the life out of her. She was amazing to me in that moment.

"Ste she's beautiful. Go look" She beamed pointing to the bassinet.

"In a minute...I'm looking at you right now. You ok?"

"No Ste...you have to see her." She replied ignoring my question.

"In a minute...ok. I just need to clear my head a little first." I didn't want to look at her thinking so much about Leah and Lucas. I needed to focus on Amy. Lee decided to give us a moment which I tried to keep him from doing as to avoid any deep discussions but he left leaving us three together. I sat at the edge of Amy's bed.

"So you're alright then?"

"Everything went fine and she really is perfect" Amy replied

"You don't have any regrets about anything?"

"Course not."

"Good."

"Ste...having someone to love, something to care about, it helps."

"I'm glad for you Amy, I really am. I feel like I can go after tonight, after seeing you're ok."

"No Ste, what I'm saying is...who is the person you're the closest too?"

"You"

"Right and were still a family Ste, no matter what."

"So?"

"So, stay here. Move back in with me and Lee and be apart of the family"

"Jesus, Amy today of all days...don't worry about me"

"I have to worry about you, you're _family_"

She was laying on the family thing pretty thick and I did love her and I had other pretty obvious ties to Hollyoaks but there was such a quaint perfection to Amy's new little unit it felt like the image I wanted to leave with. I had started to feel pointless hanging around ignoring Amy when she was the reason I was here but it was clearer now. I needed to see she was ok before I left town.

"I love the bones of ya, Amy but what you're trying to do isn't gonna work. I'm not going to hold your kid and just be so in love that I'm devoted uncle Ste who picks her up from school each day."

"What about Leah she wasn't blood but you loved her that way."

"Its different, this kid...she has a dad and I don't want to be a dad again."

"Just look at her, please. Hold her and tell me it doesn't make you feel better...I named her Hayden."

Amy smiled sincerely at me and I eased myself off the hospital bed and made my way to the sleeping infant and looked down at the red squiggly thing. She reminded me of Lucas the day he was born. They had the same sweet expression and tuft of brown hair.

"It doesn't make me feel better" I absently announced.

I looked over at Amy's disappointed face and I knew should have said something generically nice and scooted out but I couldn't .

"but I love you, and she's a part of you and that I love. But this thing thats wrong with me...you can't fix it Amy" I added.

"Tell me what the alternative is Ste you go somewhere, get high, hurt yourself?"

"I'm gonna go somewhere warm Ames..." and I smiled at her because I liked the thought of it, and she half smiled back. Then I kissed her on the forehead and turned to leave.

"You call me from wherever you go and you don't do anything stupid...or I will find you Steven Hay and if its the last thing I do I will make you better"

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"Where the fuck have you been?" Brendan greeted striding quickly towards me before I could answer. He grabbed my face with both hands making me look him in the eye "You all right?" He looked wired and jumpy. I didn't know if it was to do with me or if something worse had happened between him and Warren in my absence.

"yeah...uh...fine." I said. He looked me over a bit longer before letting me free of his grip and instantly started pacing.

"Jesus, Steven I've been calling ye." he said with almost a whine to his voice that I'd never heard before. I could almost picture him slamming his phone down and cursing my name.

"I was calling you too after Warren left. What happened?"

"You don't worry about Warren all right...just stay away from him and I'll sort it."

"Would you just fucking tell me Brendan? I'm involved. He came here looking for me, he's not gonna stop putting me in the middle."

"He won't be coming here again...we made an agreement."

"Whats the agreement?

"I do something for him and I buy him out and he leaves...end of"

"That was detailed."

"Its almost over...thats all that matters"

I knew it wasn't as simple as he was making it out to be. It was written on his face that things were tense. And that worried feeling came flooding back to me and I knew I had told Amy a lie. I couldn't leave. I couldn't abandon him on his own like this, in a situation I'd made worse.

"I can help, you know. I mean I think I can smooth things over with Warren."

"You can't and you won't...do you understand me?" He asked sternly.

"Look, we talked those weeks...I worked for him...when we were alone."

"Steven...don't." he put his hand up and I knew the discussion was closed and maybe my choice to bring up when warren and I were "alone" was a bad idea. He slumped down in a chair and knocked back a glass whiskey.

"I'm sorry I slept with him. Things just got so fucked up in there" I said gesturing to my head even though he wasn't looking at me just then. He didn't say anything in way of encouraging me to continue but I went on anyway.

"I'm sorry I came back. I really am Brendan. And before I thought I was sorry for me, sorry for havin to feel all this shit, but now I'm sorry for you because I know you got better while I was gone, better enough to let me stay here when you can't stand the sight of me anymore...and now I fucked up your shit...and were just never going to be good for each other are we?"

"Jesus, Steven... of course I can stand the sight of you." he looked at me perplexed as if I had to have been the stupidest person in the world to have come to that conclusion.

"The quiet thing were doing, Bren its just doing my head in. Why can't we just say stuff to each other like normal people. Why can't we just talk about world events or compliment each others hair or something...whatever normal people talk about. I just don't think it has to be so hard."

Brendan gave a short laugh in response. I loved when he laughed.

"You know, you could fuck this whole town and I'd still want ye Steven."

"yeah?"

"yeah."


	13. Chapter 13

"Maybe, we ought to get her home! Yeah?" I shouted above the throbbing bass that filled the packed club.

"What? Why? She's fine." Michaela replied scrunching her face in such a way that it made her look remarkably like a troll doll.

"She's called home 10 times. I think we should just call it quits"

"So she calls home loads, in between she's having a great time...you just want to get home to your...what is he to ya...boyf-"

"He's not my boyfriend..."

"A room full of hot guys and you've not checked out one...I don't know..."

"Is that why we're at a gay club...you two wanna get me laid? 'Cause you know, I can manage on me own."

"Oi! Not everything's about you. Ames and me wanted to dance and have fun without being hit on constantly."

Honestly, I had trouble seeing the point of clubbing without the devious bits ie – drugs, sex, embarrassing drunkenness, etc. I'd never been to club for just a spritzer and a dance and a chat before or not lately anyway. Not that I was aching for it tonight. I'd have rather went for a film but Michaeala insisted on this.

"I don't know Michaeala...I got a feeling you could manage to not get hit on at a wide variety of establishments" it sounded more biting coming out than I'd anticipated so I laughed to make it sound more like friendly ribbing than a burn but I could see she was already gearing up for some return fire.

"So if Brendan's not your boyfriend what is he then?"

"I dunno." I shrugged.

"You just live with him rent free, then? Must be nice being a kept boy..."

I was going to object to her word choice but I could kind of see her point even if she was just trying to get under my skin. I hardly left his house, he fed me, housed me, clothed me and I struggled to define what exactly that kind relationship would be called. And to be honest if I told her all the tales of our domestic bliss from the past few weeks, god knows what she'd call us. I couldn't describe how or why it happened but things just changed a little, not completely but things just one day seemed less fragile between us. It was the kind of ease that came with getting used to someone enough to know that one word out of place wouldn't shatter everything. That wasn't to to say we were holding hands and skipping thru meadows together in our free time. It wasn't as if everything had magically transformed between us but there was a noticeable thaw; starting with his attempts to make small talk with me. Admittedly it skeeved me out at first. I had never had anyone so forcefully try to start a conversation with me. Then one day it just got better, he started telling me some sordid tale about finding a couple fucking in the loo at Chez Chez and it made me laugh and then it seemed every night he had a new dirty story to tell me. I didn't know before then that he could be such a good storyteller but he was, really funny and graphically detailed too. I would laugh so hard my sides would hurt by the time he was done recounting the details of his night and I could tell that pleased him. He teased that I sounded like an asthmatic goose when I laughed and I would playfully push at his shoulder and it all felt natural. And even though it was just casual conversation it felt like a milestone like we genuinely had become slightly better at existing near each other for the most part. Obviously being that it was us we couldn't go too long without a spat or a weirdness but in between there was this ease forming that I couldn't quite label.

"Does he let you fuck other guys then? Or will he take away your allowance if ya..."

"All right, Michaela sorry I'm being a dick, ok." I offered solely in an attempt to shut her up. She was hitting too close to home and despite the growing civility between he and I there were bumps...big ones that I didn't care to think about. Like the way he looked at me when I told him I was going to a club that night. The look I discovered was one of worry but I had mistook it for jealousy. He tried to talk me out of an evening out. I laughed and egged him on asking if he was afraid of me meeting some hot young guys to bring home until it became embarrassingly clear he wasn't bothered about other guys he was bothered that I'd do something stupid to myself. "Don't come home all fucked up" he had sighed before I slipped away into the night away from him and his doubtful eyes and irritated voice. The voice of a guy who knew what he'd be dealing with that night and dreaded it. It was also irksome to be forced to remember the reason why he'd asked me to stay with him in the first place. All the meal time banter and playful touches couldn't wash away how he still saw me.

I bristled at the memory and knocked back a shot hoping to ease the embarrassment of having thought we were at a point where we could playfully flirt with each other when he was sat there thinking I was too fucked up to handle a night out "with the girls".

"Everything all right?" I asked as Amy made her way back towards us smiling nervously.

"Oh fine, she's still sleeping" Amy announced imitating someone who was happy to be out at a bar rather than watching her infant daughter sleep. It had been three weeks since she had had her kid and it was clear to anyone with half a braincell that she was pained to be away from her for the first time but Amy was a pleaser and I got the feeling Michaela had strong armed her into an outing.

The only thing that seemed to distract Amy from thoughts of her daughter for very long was pointing out guys who she reckoned were checking me out. She'd urge me to go talk to them and I'd roll my eyes and pull her up on the dance floor and twirl her around until she squealed to get her to shut up. Michaela would bob along next to us and to be honest it was sort of sweet giggling and bouncing about like school children in the center of this pulsing dance floor crowded with guys grinding against each other. We were in our sanitary childish little bubble until the drink got the better of us. Michaela got louder and bawdier which I hadn't realized was possible but I somehow I got sucked into it all. I began entertaining their pervy curiosity. I danced with guys or really rubbed against them so they could watch which oddly intrigued them. I found myself delighting in being the center of attention. I hadn't felt particularly impressive the past few months or years really so this weird drunken scrap of admiration from the two of them fed my ego way more than it should have. It didn't hurt that when I became receptive to advances I had more suitors than I would have guessed, which stroked my ego even further.

I caught the eye of a guy at the bar. He was tan and muscular and he looked good enough so I sauntered up to him and did the small talk bullshit your obligated to do and he bought me a drink. And it was all so easy, it was like reading from a script we both knew all the things to say, all the moves to make and how it would end. I had almost forgot how comfortable and enjoyable simple could be. He and I danced, I licked his neck for the girls benefit and grabbed his ass. I heard them wooping like idiots in response. And then before I knew it he and I were outside the club pawing at each other. He was going to get a cab for us to go back to his but I pulled him into an alley way next to the club instead and he smirked at me or to himself really, pleased he'd found himself a naughty twink. I didn't bother with kisses I just reached into his pants and found his cock and stroked it. He moaned as he fiddled with the front of my trousers trying to reciprocate. I tugged at him to urge him onto his knees wanting to skip the bit where I got him started and go straight to the part where he blew me but he didn't understand my uncoordinated urgings.

"Suck me off" I whispered.

"Not here...we'll go back to mine." he giggled nervously.

"No, here." I insisted with an intensity that seemed to excite him. I pumped his cock in my fist a few more times before sinking to my knees in front of him deciding leading by example was the best way to handle this situation. I took the full length of his cock into my mouth and he moaned some more before I licked the underside all the way to the tip and I looked up at him with his head thrown back. I had what wanted from him. I had his lust, I had his body, I had his cooperation and soon enough I'd have his mouth wrapped around my cock and it all was the way it was meant to happen. It was apart of the silent mental agreement we had the minute I had stepped up to him at the bar but outside in the cool air, my knees scraped against the concrete beneath me it all began to feel pointless. The rush of being wanted was over. The simplicity began to feel more like going through the motions. After a moment of my being stock still he looked down at me with the most curious of expressions, which I couldn't blame him for. My sudden changes in emotion confused even me most of the time, so I couldn't very well expect a perfect stranger to understand.

"What? Do you want me to get that cab now?" he asked slowly, still hard as a rock.

"No..."

I didn't know how to explain. So I lied instead.

"I'm a virgin". I stated blankly, not emotionally enough to sound true but it was a weird enough thing to have said that it left him completely wordless.

It wasn't even a good lie since it didn't really explain anything but it seemed to somewhat do the trick and without further explanation I got myself off my knees. He stared at me baffled muttering indiscriminately as I walked quickly away from simple and easy and "home" to difficult and confusing.

I walked three miles back to Brendans instead of getting a taxi hoping the walk would sober me up completely. I wasn't fall on your face drunk just a little tipsy but I found myself not wanting to give Brendan a reason to pull his disapproving face when I got in. It was hypocritical of him really, to look at me that way when I knew he was no stranger to getting shitfaced but even still I didn't want a stand off for once. I even found myself hoping he'd still be up and tell me his latest work stories before I turned in for the night.

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"Bren...you alright" I knocked timidly on the bathroom door sounding embarrassingly like a overprotective mum would. I had been tittering outside the door for ten minutes after I'd heard banging and muffled cursing from within. Normally, I'd like to think I'd have given him his space but we were both a little on edge lately waiting for unseen traps to spring what with the Warren situation looming around us. And granted if he was injured badly he wouldn't be cursing in the bathroom he'd be in a hospital room but still the need to know if he was all right outweighed my pride as I stood with my ear against the door waiting for a reply. I didn't get one.

"Brendan?" I asked some how more sheepishly than before.

Still no reply.

I lifted my hand to tap again knowing it was a mistake but deciding I might as well commit to what I'd started. But before I had the chance the door tore open and I was eye to eye with Brendans twitching, aggravated, swollen face. He was holding a damp cloth against a cut above his eye but blood still trickled down his cheek despite his attempt to clot it.

"What the fuck..." I gasped though it really wasn't the worst I'd seen. But the build up and his dramatic reveal had me sort of keyed up.

"It's fine, go to bed." he ordered countering my earlier hovering mum act with a punishing father act of his own.

I wanted to ask what happened but it seemed pointless being that it was unlikely he'd answer.

He waved his hand towards my room and added more forcefully "Go."

He wasn't shouting or unhinged exactly but it felt like something was simmering under the surface.

"Ok..." I agreed quietly though I didn't move immediately.

I looked in his eyes still flickering with a barely contained rage and it made my stomach do flips. I hated that face, I hated the things it made me feel, the way it always came with damages. I didn't want to worry about him, and I didn't want to worry about what might happen and I knew sitting in my room waiting out the storm staring at the walls would be unbearable. So I had to leave and go anywhere. I backed away from him darting away from the madness he was projecting and marched in the opposite direction of where he had pointed.

I didn't get far before he was behind me grabbing at my forearm jerking me back towards him.

"Steven...just...please..." he pleaded with me. I could tell he was straining to keep his tone under control, that he wanted to yell and make me do what he wanted but maybe years of having that tactic fail had finally persuaded him to take a new approach. "I can't worry about you out there tonight, ok. I'm not trying to..." he trailed off letting his arms flop to his sides. We stood there facing each other saying nothing as we often did at a loss for words. I didn't want to go where he wanted and do what he said but I also I didn't want to add to his pile of shit to handle.

So I let him win our small stand off. I walked to my room, closed the door and sat in the dark wondering what had happened to him that night. I knew it had to have been to do with Warren. Brendan didn't take being bested well, but he especially didn't take being bested by Warren well. No one got to him quite like Warren. I imagined hired thugs cornering Brendan in alley ways or Warren and he having a one on one stand off throwing each other about the club. I imagined a great many scenarios that spun out of control until I could see the ending of this feud being one where only one man was left standing. I slapped the palm of my hand into my forehead in response to letting my mind wander to that kind of possibility. The way my heart rate sped and my stomach lurched at even the possibility of it all ending made it painfully clear just how much I had let that hard headed asshole back into my heart and it made me feel incredibly fucking helpless. I was in the dark, and he was determined to keep me there because I was fucked up little Ste. I wasn't clever, or strong or anything that benefited him in this fight.

It had been hours since he'd banished me to my room but I was still awake wondering if he was too and I couldn't help padding down the hall to his room. I didn't quite know what to do once I got to his door so I stood lamely in front of it ultimately deciding it was his fault I felt the way I did, really. So it served him right to have to deal with me. I slipped into his room without knocking not wanting to give him a chance to tell me to go away. He wasn't asleep but he also wouldn't acknowledge me which didn't deter me from tiptoeing to his bedside and climbing in next to him.

"What are you doing?" he eventually sighed.

"Distracting you from whatever happened."

"I don't need distracting Steven, I need to be focused...ready." He explained coolly giving away that he was plotting his next move.

"Ok, so maybe I'm not here to help you...maybe I'm just here because I can't sleep and I got lonely" it really was closer to the truth. I didn't want to play boardgames or whatever to distract. I just wanted him to let me come sleep next to him whether he needed me to or not.

"I told ye I wanna be alone"

"I don't care."

"You should..." he warned darkly.

"Do your worst" I countered as I let my hand mindlessly rest on his chest.

"Stop." he sounded exasperated as he finally turned to look at me. "Just Stop." he growled taking my wrist in his hand and twisting it above my head as he swiftly angled his body over mine. He cocked his head and looked down at me his brow furrowed and his tongue darting out of his mouth. He began to resemble a lion on the prowl.

"Take your clothes off" he ordered before releasing my wrist. I clamored onto my knees and clumsily followed his order as he slipped out of his underwear opposite me. I looked down at the semi he was sporting and I couldn't help but smile. So I wasn't a confidant or a real partner to him, I turned him on and that felt somehow important at the moment. He smiled darkly back at me because I could give him what he needed tonight; control.

"Ass up, head down."

I twisted to face the bedframe away from him and slowly bent over for his viewing pleasure. I could hear him suck in air as I did. He pushed my legs further apart and grabbed at my thighs to pull me closer to him. Then he spread me apart and the first thing I felt was the bristle of his whiskers against me before I felt his tongue urging its way inside and then darting and sucking at me. He spit on his fingertips and guided as much moisture as possible inside me. He pressed the head of his cock against me. I thrust my hips to get things started but it wasn't my game and he reminded of it by pulling away making me ache for it.

"Fuck me."

He laughed, giving my ass a light smack.

"Say please.."

"Please...Brendan." I whined.

He pushed the head of his cock in me and thrust to the root in quick succession. I couldn't help but gasp at the sudden fullness and the mild ache of it. I reveled in it to be honest, he was the biggest partner I'd ever had and I guess being he was my first there was always something familiar and warm in that ache. I moaned loudly before letting my face loll into the pillow in front of me. As he started to thrust I could feel my eyes rolling back and my knees getting weak. He panted and moaned above me and he was lost in it, in the push and the shove. That was the way it was with us and on the few occasion he'd wanted to play the master or any other kind of sex games in the past it never lasted long before he just barreled into me going as deep as he could for however long as he could. I loved the intensity of it, I loved the compulsive need he had always had to always be so completely inside me. Even when we were new he needed to be as much apart of me in those moments as he could...maybe just for pleasure reasons, maybe it was a dominance thing but I liked to think there was always an affection to it for him.

I found as his movements became more erratic above me as he hit that spot inside me harder I could barely fist my cock only ride back into him. He was cursing and groaning incredibly loudly, louder than I was sure I'd ever heard him be. I whimpered as he pulled out letting his cum puddle in the small of my back. I knew he was spent but I was still hard and cried his name pathetically as he crashed on top of me to finish me off or ease up enough to let me do for myself.

He turned me over onto my back and curled his fingers around my cock jerking slowly as I arched my back and tried to thrust into his hand making the saddest of noises at his lack of speed. He grinned slyly pleased with my need and his control over it. I screwed my eyes shut and breathed and twitched until he sped up leaving me arching and moaning until I came in his hand.

He looked down at his hand and back at me before spreading his fingers in front of my face coaxing me to lick my cum off. I stared at him with unwavering eye contact as I sucked on his fingers and lapped at his palm.

"Jesus, kid." he moaned taking his fingers from my mouth and replacing it with his tongue giving me a less intense kiss than before but there was still a passion to it albeit a more gentle one.

We collapsed onto the bed side by side panting and breathing until I felt his arm worm its way around my waist pulling me roughly to him. I couldn't help but laugh at his cuddle technique.

"What?" he asked as I let my head settle on his chest partly out of exhaustion and mostly out of wanting to be near to him which still felt like a novelty. Not that it really was a new occurrence considering how I'd clung to him back in the day but it seemed new now anyway.

"You're a very aggressive cuddler...anyone ever told you that?"

"Not too many people have had the pleasure...you complaining?"

"No, its alright" I conceded adding teasingly in a mock butch voice "it's very manly" he made that breathy half laugh noise in response.

"Bren, will ya tell me what happened to you in the morning."

"No." he answered quietly and resolutely but without anger or annoyance as he nuzzled his nose in my hair letting his hand rest on my bare hip.

"Bren..." I started again after a moment "I know I'm not the brightest guy but this thing that's going on that you don't want to talk about...it seems to me that it's been going on awhile really...all this back and forth. And I just think if the stakes keep getting higher...Brendan...if things get to a place where you think it's gonna end bad for you. If there's a choice between money or reputation or pride... if the choice is between stuff like that and your life. I just...could you choose your life."

I could tell he didn't know what to say to me, and he made the weird jerks and noises he tended to make when he was uncomfortable.

"You're making too much of it kid"

I probably was. This whole thing could have been run of the mill Brendan/Foxy playtime where they bat each other around, have a drink and start a new round in a few weeks time but I couldn't relax about it. Things had a way of getting out of hand, people had a way of disappearing and I wanted him to just stop.

"Promise me anyway."  
>"Fine." he rolled his eyes as if to mock my sincerity, but than he pulled me closer and after a moment kissed my forehead which I decided meant he'd heard me.<p>

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"You were the cook once upon a time..."

"Can't be arsed..." I said waving him off until I again caught sight of his marked face and swollen knuckles more clearly in the morning light and felt compelled to be nice to him and gather him some stupid breakfast. "Fine, all right..."

"Bacon?"

"Yeah, alright...shut up. You and your fucking bacon..."

I untangled myself from him and hopped up onto my knees peering over the edges of the bed looking for the clothes I had been stripped of the night before. I hadn't remembered throwing them but they were scattered all over.

"Maybe...breakfast can wait..." Brendan seemed to decide from staring at my naked arse. I looked back him taking me in. I turned and knee walked back towards him. He reached out as soon as I was over him and began running his hand from my navel to my thigh focusing his eyes on my cock for a moment and then back up at my face. His blue eyes sparkled beneath his bruises and he stared at me with a sincere intensity that made me feel slightly light headed. The fervent flutters attacking my stomach made me reconsider the definition of "love sick". I laid my hand gently on his cheek and bent down and kissed the space above the cut on his forehead, then lightly brushed my lips against his bruised cheek. I straightened to look down at him again and he wasn't smiling exactly, but he looked what I thought profoundly grateful might look like.

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I bound down the street with two bacon butty's rapidly cooling in my clutch as I made my way back to Brendans with an odd sense of urgency. My initial agreement to fry him something up had gone out the window after deciding to fuck and lay around for two extra hours. My grumbling stomach couldn't stand the wait of the cook time so I popped round to some shop on the corner.

Everything seemed kind of ok, for the first time in a really long time there was hope knocking around inside my rib cage. I couldn't account for it even, nothing had changed really, not factually anyway. If anything things were still very much a mess but I guess overwhelmingly what I felt after the night before was less alone, like properly so. It was like I had just made a friend...except Brendan wasn't really a friend...but he also was...sort of. I didn't want to dwell on it or analyze it too much for fear I'd talk myself out of this mysterious good mood.

My head was in the clouds when I crashed back down to earth almost quite literally with a thump. I had skittered hard on to my knees scattering my breakfast in front of me. I was so shocked at my sudden fall I failed to realize I wasn't quite alone until I heard the sounds of a familiar deep belly laugh and looked up to see Warren Fox standing next to me peering out of an alley way offering me a hand.

"Sorry, mate, foot must have gotten away from me" he didn't look very apologetic standing over me grinning.

"What?" I groaned rolling my eyes ignoring his extended hand.

"Stand up."

"Why?"

I couldn't give in to his scary man act, even though it would have ended the interaction quicker if I'd stopped replying with monosyllabic questions and just let him tell me whatever overly dramatic shitty thing he needed to tell me. Maybe I would have played along yesterday or the day before but the sight of him today particularly repulsed me. He represented one of my more sordid failures in decision making.

He grew impatient with me as I leaned back to inspect the damage to my knees. He huffed and his face turned a bit pink in frustration then swiftly and gruffly he grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me onto my feet and then slammed me into the alley. He leaned into me making sure to talk really close into my face. It was a habit Brendan had too that I never understood. I felt like I could be sufficiently threatened from a more respectable distance but I supposed that personal space wasn't high on Warren's list of concerns.

"You're a lucky boy you know that?"

"Yeah..." I sarcastically replied still refusing to make the conversation easy for him.

"I mean not many boys have as protective a boyfriend as Tasche man, so loyal and willing to clean up the messes of his lovers..."

"Clean up?" I cracked, curiosity getting the better of me.

" Oh! He didn't tell you...well now I'm embarrassed..." he deadpanned. "Seems when I mentioned you still owed me a significant amount of cash and services...loverboy stepped in and said he'd act in your place. I was moved...really."

"Warren...look...I know things got fucked up, but we...you and I...we got on ok. And I could work for you and it could be like it was before that deal went wrong. You could just drop whatever's going on between you and Brendan...and I could...do whatever you like..." I laid the innuendo on thick as the panic inside me rose.

"What do you think I'd like?" Warren whispered into my ear and I made a leap of faith and wriggled my hand down between us and grasped at his cock through his trousers. It didn't matter what I wanted, how ugly this was going to feel...if it fixed things I could close my eyes and do whatever I needed to do.

My mental preparation was for nothing I realized when he gripped my hand and swatted it away looking nauseatingly smug.

"You're a bit full of yourself aren't ya?" He sneered. "I'm not Brendan, and I ain't interested in your scrawny ass...I'm interested in my money. I'm just as happy for you to retrieve as I am him."

"Why are you telling me then? Why not just let him go and bring your money...and be done with it...what do you want?"

He wanted to hit Brendan where it hurt. He was getting me involved to fuck with Brendan. I knew that. I knew he wasn't doing anyone any favors. Warren intimated that these "guys" could be tricky...they didn't much like new people coming in on deals and how they had already met me and how much of an advantage that would be and how some new bloke just showing up...well, that might not fly. I asked what he was suggesting I do and he threw his hands up.

"Just giving you a tip, sweetheart" he blew me a kiss and waddled away leaving me the way he had intended.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

"I'm sorry did you want me to thank you? Did you want to celebrate your handing my heart back to me after...after all this. You know what...I saved your life. I saved your shitty stupid life and I know...I know you're committed to this miserable cunt act you got going on but you might wanna try grateful on for size, it might look good on you." I practically growled at the pathetic being that seemed to be moving further and further away from where I lie. My head wasn't quite with me and the further he moved back the more it looked like he was fading away. I balled my fists up and slammed them into the mattress beneath me leaving an unsatisfying lack of noise.

"Talk to me you fucking asshole!" I shouted "You disgusting coward" I added for good measure because this was him finding excuses to leave and I couldn't just weep into my pillow and let him slip away. I couldn't let him off so easily.

"Are you stupid?" his raised voice sounded uncharacteristically higher than usual. The watery form that had been inching to the door rapidly started towards me. He was in focus now leaning over the bed to ask again "well, are you?"

"You could have died...what you did Steven...isn't ok" he added more somberly. He wasn't backing down from his decision the one I had awoken to minutes before when he coldly announced I needed to move from the flat and back to Amy's or "wherever".

"I didn't die though...I didn't even come close.." I retorted lamely but it was true I hadn't come close not really in a medical sense.

He shook his head. That was it he just sighed and shook his head.

"Don't do that" I pleaded after him because I knew he didn't have anything else to say to me and I desperately wanted him to. But nothing I did stopped him from walking out the door not the obscenities I shouted or anything else.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Just a little longer" I whispered into his ear pulling him closer with my arm slung around the back of his neck as he laid on top of me.

"I have to go.." he replied softly mimicking me. He tried to rustle free but I only tightened my grip.

"Christ, Steven a few weeks ago you'd barely spend the night in my room now..."

"What? A person can't want to spend all day in bed...fucking? Is that really a problem for ya?" I was being cheeky...actually I was laying it on too thick and I knew it. I was actively trying to channel old me...be as positively irresistible as possible to keep him close to me but it seemed to have its breaking point. Sadly that was all the strategy I had worked up since Warren had teased some trouble or really some set up he wanted to twist me into getting involved with. And while communicating with Warren would put me smack dab in the middle of the action it also meant putting me and Brendan in the middle of a trap because it had to be. Warren was playing everyone and Brendan had to know that as well, but whatever he was to do he had to think there was no other choice but to do it.

I knew I couldn't ask Brendan about it all either...I knew that would just end in him lying and being more secretive so instead I just clung to him...followed him around. One of the perks of not having a job is you have all day to loiter around and watch your ... boyfriend? We'd told each other we loved one another a few times, I was living with him, we fucked all the time but still the title didn't sound right...but the limits of language meant I would have to settle on some title that didn't fit so I figured boyfriend was the best of the options not that I'd use it to his face.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Steven!"

He dove next to me while our company started to scatter as sirens began to echo in the distance. I had called police and thats exactly what I had announced as I entered the cursed alleyway.

I had followed Brendan and when I heard rising voices and Brendan doing his Irish bad man act...I panicked. These weren't nice guys and well, anything to do with Warren put me more on edge. I swanned in and fighting broke out with Brendan desperately trying to push me away but their were 3 of them and 2 of us. I didn't know if they thought I was bluffing about calling the cops but they didn't leave. I was holding my own to be fair...or I was doing adequately considering I wasn't quite in the same weight class as my opponents. I got pushed down and smacked my head hard and everything got blurry but thats when i saw it, one guy with his hand in his pocket. I knew he had a gun or I was reasonably sure he did. Either way I had little time to think it over as I got myself up and launched at him. I crashed into him hard and then the loudest noise I think I'd ever heard erupted as I fell to the ground. Everything started to sound like it was echoing from another room but to be honest I wasn't all that scared because I saw him and he was ok.

He was kneeling over me lifting my shirt searching frantically. He took his jacket off and balled it up and jammed it hard into my side.

"We have to go." He was out of breath already but he pulled me to my feet and dragged me as quickly out of there as he could.

"We can't get mixed up with cops" he huffed with his arm wrapped around me. My heart was pounding in my ears but I still wasn't frightened really or maybe I was, my head was numb but my body was shaking and I wasn't sure if I'd have walked on my own though I suspected if I had to some instinct would have kicked in and I would not have laid there helplessly or I at least hoped that would have been the case out of some bit of pride that knocked about inside me.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

I was kept over night for observation but my injuries had only amounted to a flesh wound and a concussion. Brendan didn't stay with me. He was clenched and uneasy and with a hesitant pat on the shoulder he left until the next morning when he had made the unpleasant announcement that he was done with me which was sort of our thing if we had to have a thing, to exile each other from one anothers lives.

I should have called Amy to pick me up but I didn't I wandered out of the hospital on my own. My head was killing me by the way and people who act like "flesh wounds" are like a scraped knee are assholes. I considered getting a room at the B&B but I made my way to Brendans anyway. I wanted to have a lie down more than I'd ever wanted to have one in my whole life but anger seemed to propel me. I was honestly a bit deterred when I found I didn't have the spare key he'd given me and when I knocked no one appeared to be home but if I was going to leave for good like he wanted he was going to fucking explain himself to me first. I slumped down in the doorway and waited or mostly I fell asleep. Actually I slept rather well considering I was sat upright against a hard wooden frame. I was only jostled awake by Brendan swinging the door open behind me letting me flop into the entry way of his flat as he stepped over me to get inside.

I moaned as the movement irritated my injuries and thankfully he paused. Mr. Toughlove who planned to ignore me paused and turned to look down at me because fuck him he cared and he couldn't stop. He didn't help me up but he didn't continue walking away which I took as a good sign. I got myself up so I could be level with him or more level with him.

"Real mature, that." I pointed back at the door way.

"Learn to take a hint."

"Why don't you just tell me what the fuck the problem is yeah?

"You cant see the problem? You're diving in front of fucking bullets..and you don't see the problem?"

"I'm...fine" I stuttered "I don't know what to say to you...I don't know why this is the solution."

"You're not fine! Thats the problem, Steven" He slammed his fist down onto a table hard to emphasize his point some how. "I thought you were getting better...but you're not..."

"What are you talking about?" I sidled up close to him. He didn't move away but I knew touching him would push it just now.

"You know what I'm talking about." He said with a glare that shot through me

"Don't do that. Don't act like you wouldn't have done the same for me...Tell me you wouldn't do what I did..."

"I thought you could be safe that things were better now...but I can't keep you safe if you're going to do shit like this."

I took the risk and put his face in my hands to make him look at me. "Stop...just say it...say you would do the same for me...Were exactly the same you and I...you can't chuck me out for doing what you would do"

He rested his forehead against mine.

"How many times do I need to tell you we're not the same." he whispered

"We _are_" I insisted.

He pushed me away then took a few steps back and cocked his head and thought for a moment.

"Leave Steven."

"No."

He started towards me forcing me to walk backwards to the door.

"You're a hypocrite you know that? I saved your fucking life or I could have but..." I whined in a final attempt to get him to just let it go and maybe let me go to my room and sleep for a few days.

"...FINE!" he yelled as he started to speak over me "...fine I'm a hypocrite if that makes you feel better to hear but you won't die on my behalf...do you understand that?" his eyes had gone wild again as he gave me the final push out the door. I didn't bother to fight him on it.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here." I spoke absently to the ground before deciding looking upwards seemed more positive. It was lovely view from a hill under a big oak tree and I wondered if that was coincidental or if Amy had combed through all the plots and decided which ones were the most scenically pleasing to plant or children in. My own cynicism made me cringe as the reality of all the things she had to do on her own washed over me and that old familiar guilt crept upon me. I stared hard at the two tiny headstones again before shuttering the thoughts away with a swig out of a bottle of cheap vodka I had procured.

"I'm sorry I never came before...I didn't think you'd mind but if you do I'm sorry..."

I stumbled then steadied myself on a neighboring gravestone before knocking back another drink.

"I needed to tell you I'm sorry for not being there for you...for not taking care of you the way you deserved. And I wanted to tell you that I did something that I don't know if it was the right thing or not anymore but its what I should've done for you. I wish with all my heart I could be in your places that I could've been there when you needed me...and I've wanted to be with you for so long but last night wasn't about that and I want you to know that. I want you to know I wasn't giving up or being thoughtless...I just... maybe I never got to tell you when it mattered but there's choices you have to make in life and if you make a choice out of love its never a wrong one...well sometimes it might be but...putting someone before yourself its not wrong...I...don't know what I'm saying anymore just I want you to be proud of me wherever you are I hope that you are...and daddy will love you...always..."

I slumped onto my back and gazed up at the stars deciding to let the tears that had crept up on me fall in peace without trying to stop the flow as I clutched the bottle of vodka to my chest. There was a peacefulness to it all and I couldn't tell if it was from being there or if it was the booze and pain killer mix but either way things didn't seem as awful for a little while.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Oi, Steven...wake up"

His fat irish face was bobbing above mine as I opened my eyes. The sun was so bright behind him it looked like he was wearing a halo.

"You're lucky you weren't picked up for vagrancy..." he stood upright and began kicking at some blades of grass, maybe nervously.

"and whats it to you?"

"I was worried about ya Steven...and now so's Amy. I apologize for that."

I sighed irritatedly in reply. Of all people to worry I was rather purposely leaving Amy out of this.

"You shouldn't be out here in your condition"

"My condition? What you think I'm pregnant or sumthin?" I laughed awkwardly at my own joke. "you didn't care about my '_condition_' last night...so why don't ya do one."

He shuffled about in front of me fiddling with his shirt but trying to make it look as if he was only straightening it and not buying time.

" I don't want anything bad to happen to you...regardless of whether or not we're..."

"...together?" I finished his sentence as the words...the mushy ones he still seemed to struggle with.

"yeah." he darted his eyes around focusing on anything but me for the moment.

"So what you changed your mind...what are you doing here?"

"Let me take you to Amy's..."

"Fuck off...You kicked _me_ out and if you're feeling guilty about it then good...you deserve to feel guilty." I sounded childish and stupid but I wanted him to be sorry and I wanted him to say it.

"I don't feel guilty Steven, I want you off my back I don't want to feel responsible for you anymore. I want you to find some purpose or some new bloke and get your shit together..." he got real animated in his motions strutting around but not leaving and it just made me laugh. This constant tension we had it was silly. I knew what happened the night before was serious, but this follow up, this obligatory fight was making me laugh even harder now.

"What?" He snapped.

"This is stupid...how many times are we gonna do this? It don't matter what I do...or what you do we always come back."

"I don't know maybe the universe is trying to tell us something. You in the path of a bullet seems like a pretty big sign to me."

"and it means what? Were not good for each other? We'll ruin each other?... because we already knew that Brendan. I think we worked that out years ago. But were still here. Fires burn, bullets fly and every other fucking thing and were still here fighting. All it proves is it's hopeless to resist each other. Maybe were fucked up, maybe too fucked up to make sense but we're fated and I'm tired of fighting it, aren't you?"

He finally properly looked at me as a small smirk crept accross his face and he let out a long sigh that sounded a bit like a concession.

"You can't do what you did last night again...you know that."

"Fine, you agree to never save me and I'll never try to save you..."

"Steven..."

"I don't want to live without you...thats all. It's not about a death wish...I just love ya...more than anyone else so...I didn't want you to get fuckin shot..."

Then more silence fell over us. He kicked more dirt about and then looked back down at me softer than before.

"ok."

"ok?"

"Yeah...ok. Let's go home." He offered me his hand to help me up and I took it gratefully. We were stood on the slope of a hill with me standing higher than him making me slightly taller which got me oddly giddy and I made him stand still opposite me for a bit.

"Are you a little drunk?" He asked amused pointing to that bottle of vodka that had been my best friend the night before. I didn't answer I just fell forward into him letting my arms wrap around his neck. I kissed his ear as he playfully took a few steps backwards unsettling my feet from under me. I propelled myself up which wasn't the easiest to do so that my legs wrapped around his waist with my arms still firmly around his neck. He swept one arm around my waist and the other under me and carried me down the hill while I giggled like a school girl. When we got to the bottom he stood me back on my own feet and kissed me on the forehead and we walked home side by side and for once his flat really did feel like _home_.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Well, you finally made an honest woman out of her!" I laughed as I slapped Lee on the back. It seemed like a thing someone might say but I was shit at these sorts of things so i was really winging it.

"Oi, you!" Amy teasingly smacked my hand in response.

Music was blasting with some local kid serving as a dj. One thing you can say about Hollyoaks is theres never a shortage of wannabe dj's hanging about. It was a dinky little hall in the basement of a church but it was a cozy enough reception to accompany a simple ceremony. Amy looked happy and thats all that really mattered.

I pulled her away from who ever she had turned to talk to and swept her into the center of the floor for a dance.

"Its our song!" I cheekily exclaimed at some horrible Spice Girls number that was playing. "Of all the wannabes you could have picked to dj you picked a Spice Girl enthusiast?"

"I think thats what he thinks us old folks like...you know anyone over 24..." we had a laugh as I spun her around.

"So Mr. Hay are you gonna stick around?"

"Well, what kind of maid of honor would I be if i cut out early,eh?"

"No...thats not what I mean...you know..." hers eyes got real wide as she looked behind me...something had interrupted her train of thought. "Ste...you've got company" she exclaimed as she spun me around so I could see.

He was stood in a hallway right outside the room peeking in. He was wearing a suit which wasn't unusual for him though the tie was.

"as to your question Ames...yeah I think I'll be sticking around awhile" I kissed her on the cheek and made my way to him.

"You don't have to stand out there you know" I say when I get closer to him . I reach out my hand to usher him inside but when he takes it he pulls me out to him and then out of sight of any possible onlookers and gives me a peck of a kiss.

"I didn't think you'd come." I say in a sickly dreamy tone as I start to fiddle with his tie absently. "Nice this by the way...though I do like when your all slutty with your buttons..but this is nice too" I teased.

"Well, you know me Steven I never miss a party"

"Come inside...dance with me" I enthused tugging at his hand.

"uuuhhh...well." he groaned

"Oh...not quite ready for all that then...well theres food in there so...we could just..."

He takes the fabric of my jacket in his hands and pulls me to him and this time kisses me harder letting his tongue entwine with mine. His hands settled on my face the way he liked and I brought one hand up to muss in his hair before he broke away and moved his hands to my waist and started to sway stopping only to take my hands and place them over his shoulders and then well...we were dancing sort of...in a dimly lit hallway to horrible music but it was kind of perfect even if it was like two kids shuffling at their first boy/girl party.

I slid my hands around his back and laid my head on his shoulder so that it was more like a swaying hug than a dance.

"I don't think Amy would mind if I ducked out early..."

"I'm gonna start to think your ashamed of me Steven...I just got here after all."

"Naw...I'm just thinking maybe we could make this dance a little more interesting back home."

"You think so..." He said in his lowest sexiest voice.

I stood back to look at him, I still found it almost impossible to believe we had the life we had now. That we were together and no it wasn't perfect and maybe we would never dance together or hold hands on a crowded dance floor but the fact that we danced at all was the point. I knew I was beaming stupidly at him at him then, smiling so big it threatened to make my face ache.

"What?" he asked curiously with a hint of a laugh in his voice.

"Nothing...I'm just...happy."

~ The End ~

A/N: To any one still hanging with me...thank you. And to anyone who liked any part of this and commented, thank you.

Sorry it took so long! I ran into a lot of personal stuff and I do wish I had finished it sooner when having Warren as a nemesis seemed even halfway more current.

Also sorry they fought so often it just seemed like they would...and I like to think they fight hard and love hard for the rest of their days together...even if the show may prove otherwise...the ending to this story will always be that.


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